A.  DU  SOUCHET 


UC-NRLF 


N  ME  MORI  AM 


1864-1941 


MY  FRIEND  FROM  INDIA 

H  yarcfcal  domefcg  fn  ^bree  Bets 


BY 


H.   A.^DU  SOUCHET 


COPYRIGHT,  1894,  BY  H.  A.  Du  SOUCHET 


CAUTION.-rAll  persons  are  hereby  warned  that  "My  Friend  From 
India."  being  fully  protected  under  the  copyright  laws  of  the  United 
States,  is  subject  to  royalty,  and  anyone  presenting  the  play  •without 
the  consent  of  the  owners  or  their  authorized  agent,  will  be  liable  to 
the  penalties  by  law  provided.  Application  for  stage  rights  must  be 
made  to  Samuel  French.  28-30  West  38th  Street.  New  York. 


ALL  RIGHTS  RESERVED 


NEW  YORK 
SAMUEL  FRENCH 

PUBLISHERS 

28-30  WEST  38xH  STREET 


LONDON 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  LTD. 

26   SOUTHAMPTON   STREET 

STRAND 


?s 

$?• 


"MY  FEIEND  FROM  INDIA" 

BY  H.  A.  Du   SOUCHET. 


ORIGINAL  CAST 

AUGUSTUS  KEENE  SHAVEB Walter  E.  Perkins 

EEASTUS  UNDEBHOLT Frederick  Bond 

CHAELIE   UNDEEHOLT Edward  S.  Abeles 

TOM  VALENTINE Charles  Arthur 

REV.  JAMES  TWEEDLE Joseph  Adelman 

JENNINGS  Frank  G.  Parry 

BILL  FINNERTY John  Finn 

MAEIAN  HAYSTE Marion  Giroux 

ABABELLA  BEEKMAN  STBEETE  ....  Helen  Reimer 

GEETIE  UNDEEHOLT  Louise  Galloway 

BEENICE  UNDEEHOLT Kenyon  Bishop 

TILLY   May  Yokes 

First  produced  Friday,  Sept,  4th,  1896,  at  Elizabeth,  N.  J. 
Opened  at  Bijou  Theater,  New  York,  Tuesday,  Oct.   6th, 
1896. 


CAST  OF  CHARACTER 

AUGUSTUS  KEENE  SHAVEB,  "my  friend  from  India" 

EEASTUS  UNDEBHOLT,  a  retired  porkpacker 

CHABLIE  UHDEBHOLT,  his  son 

TOM  VALENTINE,  Charley's  friend 

REV.  JAMES  TWEEDLE,  a  missionary 

JENNINGS,  a  servant 

BILL  FINNEBTY  (A  policeman) 

MAEIAN  HAYSTE,  Charlie's  affianced 

MBS.  ABABELLA  BEEKM AN- STBEETE,  a  widow 

BEENICE  UNDEBHOLT,  )     ,      ,  ,         „  ^ 

GEBTIE  UNDEBHOLT,    \    daughters  of  Erastus 

TILLY,  a  maid 

PLACE:  New  York.  TIME:  Present. 

2 


MY     1'KIEND    FROM    INDIA.  3 

PEOPEETIES 

ACT  I 

Demijohn 

Dust  pan  and  brush 

Music  on  piano 

Newspaper 

Small  statue 

Yellow  bowl 

Cracked  ice 

Towel 

Tap  bell 

Book 

Book— <<Light  of  Asia" 

Loud  check  suit 

Big  coat,  trousers  and  hat 

Photo  of  Charlie 

Coins 

Check-book 

Checks 

Bills 

Letter 

Footstool 

Glass  crash 

Bottle  Apollinaris 

Glasses 

Tray 

Hat,  cane,  light  overcoat 

Handbills.  (One  reads:  "Thompson's  Seafoam  shaving 
soap,"  another:  "The  conclave,  convex  wire-edged, 
laminated  razor,"  another :  "The  safety-razor  must  go — 
Grand  Rally  meeting  to  be  addressed  by  our  fellow- 
artists,  the  talented  orator  Augustus  Keene  Shaver.") 


M16S021 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 
PROPERTIES 

ACT   II 

Broken  mirror  glass 

Large  glass  in  frame  for  screen 

Large  dress  box 

2  dresses  and  hats  alike 

Fan 

Dress-suit  case 

Hat  box 

6  yellow  gowns 

6  books,  "Light  of  Asia" 

6  newspapers — alike 

Yellow  scarf  for  screen 

Newspaper  for  Erastus 

Newspaper  for  Tweedle 

Sofa  pillows 

List  of  names 

PROPERTIES 

ACT   III 

Silver  tray 

Bottle  of  whiskey 

Glasses 

Syphon  of  Seltzer 

Champagne  bottle 

Glasses 

High-ball 

Large  glass  with  ice  in  it 

Xote  for  Charlie 

Tap  bell  on  table 

Pen,  ink  and  check-book  on  table 

2  photos  for  Mrs.  B.  S. 

Piano,  piano-lamp,  chandelier 

1  Big  cigar 

Invitations,  about  50 


MY   FRIEND   FROM   INDIA 


ACT  I 

SCENE: — Library  in  Residence  of  ERASTUS  UNDER- 
HOLT.  Madison  Ave.,  New  York  City. 

Set  in  dark  colors.  Massive  library  furniture. 
Pen,  ink,  paper,  books  and  tap  bell  on  table  R. 
Bell  cord  on  flat  R.  Stand  or  wire  holder  for 
large  dictionary.  Newspapers  on  large  round 
ottoman  c.  Photo  in  frame  on  chiffonier  L.  of 
piano  R.  Small-sofa  L.  c.,  chairs,  etc. 

DISCOVERED: — TILLY,  posing  before  mirror  in 
screen.  She  dances  about  stage  and  when  at 
screen  again,  kicks  high.  Has  feather-duster 
in  her  hand. 

TILLY.  Der  boss  told  me  I  put  my  foot  through 
dot  screen  if  I  don't  look  out — but  I  fool  him. 
(kicks)  (BELL  is  heard  off  R.)  Dot  bells  rings  all 
der  time — (down  R.)  But  nobody  ever  comes  by  der 
house  who  is  der  kind  Mr.  Underholt  wants — (runs 
up  to  c.  and  pokes  duster  in  JENNINGS'  face) 

(Enter   JENNINGS,    followed   ly   MARIAN    c.    door 
from  L.) 

JENNINGS,  (recovering)  Did  Miss  Gertrude  re- 
turn from  her  bicycle  ride  ? 

TILLY.  Yah — she  was  upstairs  mit  her  skirt  danc- 
ing professor — dancing  on  one  foot  already 

5 


6  MY..  FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

(Imitates,  and  after  striking  attitude,  loses  her  bal- 
ance and  falls  in  JENNINGS'  arms.) 

MABIAN.  (comes  down  L.  of  ottomm — L.  c.) 
Don't  let  me  interrupt  her— I'll  wait  till  she  has 
finished. 

JENNINGS.     (E.   c.)     Perhaps  Miss   Bernice 

TILLY.     (R.)     She  is  taking  her  Delsarte  lessons. 

(Imitates  and  walks  into  chair  E.  at  of  table.) 

JENNINGS.    I'm  sorry,  Miss 

MAEIAN.  Not  at  all — I'll  wait  until  they  are 
disengaged — (JENNINGS  bows  and  Exits  door  c. 
to  L.  TILLY  remains  dusting.  Aside)  And  per- 
haps get  a  chance  to  see  Charlie,  (aloud)  Is  Mr. 
Underholt  in  ? 

TILLY.  Yah — he  is  downstairs  in  der  cellar  mit 
der  gas  man — he  said  dot  his  gas  bills  is  too  large 
every  day. 

MAEIAN.    No,  I  mean  his  son. 

TILLY.  Oh,  you  mean  Mr.  Charlie?  He  is  in 
his  room  dere — (coming  c.  Points  L.)  I  think  dot 
he  was  drunk  again  last  night. 

MAEIAN.    Drunk  ? 

TILLY.  Yah — he  gets  drunk  every  Tuesday  regu- 
lar, and  den  sometimes  he  won't  get  up  till  to-mor- 
row— especially,  if  he  breaks  one  of  dem  windows. 

MAEIAN.     Windows?    What  do  you  mean? 

TILLY.  Every  time  dot  he  gets  filled  up  mit  kim- 
mel,  he  breaks  one  of  dem  big  windows  what  dey 
have  by  der  stores  in  front,  and  den  der  boss  sends 
the  bill  by  his  father,  and  he  has  to  pay  for  dem  all 
the  times,  (resumes  dusting) 

MAEIAN.  (near  mantel  LV  aside)  That  accounts 
for  his  not  writing  to  me  since  our  engagement  at 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  7 

Richfield  Springs,  (sees  photo  on  mantel  L.)  His 
photograph — just  like  him — he  does  look  worried. 
Poor,  dear  fellow 

TILLY.     Oxcuse  me !    (about  to  exit  R.  u.  E.) 

MARIAN*,  (to  TILLY)  How  long  do  the  Delsarte 
lessons  generally  last? 

TILLY,  (coming  c.  "back  of  them}  Not  very 
long  sometimes — dem  girls  don't  like  dem  at  all — 
only  dey  must  take  dem,  so  dot  if  dey  ever  get  in 
society,  dey  would  be  accomplished  more  highly  den 
dey  are  now  yet.  (confidentially)  But  dey  don't 
get  into  society,  und  Mr.  Underholt  he's  disgusted 
already,  yet. 

MARIAN,     (aside)     This  girl  talks 

TILLY.  Yah — und  he  says  dot  if  dey  don't  get 
into  society  pooty  quick,  he  sells  out  everything  und 
goes  back  by  Kansas  City. 

MARIAN,     (aside)     She's  positively  entertaining. 

TILLY.  Miss  Bernice  has  got  a  fellow  what  don't 
get  no  society — und  Mr.  Charlie  has  got  a  girl  what 
don't  get  none  either,  so  I  heard  der  old  man  tell 
dem  dey  must  give  dem  up — dot  it  was  society  or 
bust,  (going  R.)  Now  I'll  see  if  dey  are  finished 
mit  dose  Delsartes  yet.  (starts  R.  u.  E.  a  la  Del- 
sarte, stumbles  and  exits  R.  u.  E.  up  steps) 

MARIAN.  Society!  That  accounts  for  it — what 
an  old  tyrant  he  must  be!  (at  photo)  An  idea — 
as  Hamlet  says:  "Assume  a  virtue,  if  you  have  it 
not."  Charlie,  I'll  have  society — you  shall  see  that 
a  woman's  heart  is  an  equal  match  for  a  domineer- 
ing old  father's  foolishness.  Farewell,  honesty  and 
love — welcome,  sham  and  Society!  (walks  about 
with  lorgnette,  extravagantly  stylish,  gets  to  R.  of 
stage) 

(Enter  GERTIE  R.  u.  E.  from  steps.) 
GERTIE,     (comes  down  on  her  L.,  takes  "both  Tier 


g  MY    FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 

hands)  Hello,  Marian — what  an  old  bore  that  danc- 
ing master  is — the  only  redeeming  feature  about  the 
whole  business  is  the  high  kick,  (crosses  c.  Kicks) 

MARIAN.  I  can  beat —  (starts  to  kick — and  re- 
covers) 

MARIAN.  (L.  c. — Aside)  I  nearly  forgot  my 
society,  (aloud)  I'm  so  glad  I  have  at  last  found 
time  to  call 

GERTIE.  Found  time !  If  I'd  known  where  you 
lived,  I'd  have  made  time.  It's  a  whole  month  since 
we  left  you  at  the  Springs — Come,  sit  down —  (both 
sit  on  ottoman)  Now,  tell  me  all  about  yourself. 

MARIAN.  (R.  of  GERTIE)  There's  really  nothing 
to  tell — it's  the  same  old  story — I'm  at  home  Thurs- 
days and  have  so  many  calls  that  it  takes  all  the  rest 
of  the  week  to  repay  them —  (aside)  If  I  hold  this 
arm  still  much  longer,  I'll  break  it. 

GERTIE.  Well,  I  shall  certainly  call  on  you  next 
Thursday. 

MARIAN.  No — don't  come  Thursday — there  is 
such  a  crush — I'll  stay  in  between  half-past  one  and 
a  quarter  to  two  on  Friday;  just  especially  to  see 
you — come  then,  and  we  can  have  a  nice  long  chat ! 

GERTIE.  Long?  Fifteen  minutes!  Oh,  I  forgot 
— this  is  New  York — in  Kansas  City,  we  used  to  go 
and  spend  a  week — Bernice  likes  New  York,  but 
society  or  no  society,  give  me  Kansas  City,  hogs 
and  all. 

MARIAN.     By  the  way — how's  Miss  Underholt? 

GERTIE.  Miss  ?  Oh — Bernice — she's  at  the  Acad- 
emy taking  her  riding  lesson —  (imitates)  Sits 
like  this — but  in  Kansas  City  we  used  to  ride  Old 
Hickory  without  a  saddle — and  when  he  got  frisky 
— we  used  to  lean  forward  and  hug  him.  (rises, 
imitates)  It  wasn't  so  stylish,  but  it  was  a  darn 
sight  more  fun!  (MARIAN  rises) 

MARIAN,     (aside)     If  she  don't  stop  telling  the 


MY    FRIEND     FROM    INDIA.  9 

truth,  I'll  forget  all  about  my  society!  (crosses 
L.  c.) 

GERTIE,  (c.)  You  used  to  be  a  "girl"  at  the 
Springs — just  like  I  was 

MARIAN.  Vacation,  my  dear — a  society  woman 
needs  the  rest  just  as  much  as  a  business  man — but 
the  summer's  over,  and  we'll  all  be  back  in  the  so- 
cial swim  again. 

GERTIE.  Swim  ?  It'll  drown  me,  I  know !  Pop's 
nothing  but  a  big  boy,  and  I  don't  want  to  be  any- 
thing but  a  girl — like  mother  was. 

MARIAN.  You'll  see  it  in  a  different  light  when 
you  get  older. 

GERTIE.  Perhaps  I  will — but  I  don't  want  to. 
(starting  up  R.)  Come  in  the  reception  room,  and 
I'll  show  you  some  pictures  of  our  old  home  in 
Kansas  City — before  mother  died. 

(Exit  GERTIE  and  MARIAN  R.  u.  E.  below  stairs.) 

(Enter  BERNICE  in  riding  habit  and  ERASTUS  L.  c. 
door  from  L.  TILLY  enters  from  stairs  R.  u.  E., 
meets  ERASTUS,  who  is  reading  newspaper.) 

ERASTUS.  (to  TILLY)  Will  you  get  out  of  my 
way?  (TILLY  runs  off  c.  to  L.) 

BERNICE.  (crosses  down  R.,  removing  her  hat) 
I'm  thoroughly  put  out. 

ERASTUS.  (coming  down  c.)  Why,  you  should 
be  put  out  before  you  have  succeeded  in  getting  in, 
is  more  than  I  can  understand. 

BERNICE.     This  is  no  joking  matter,  papa 

ERASTUS.  Pretty  expensive  joke  it's  been  to  me — 
(sits  on  ottoman,  reading) 

BERNICE.  These  society  people  are  very  friendly 
when  one  meets  them  outside — but  just  as  we  think 
we  are  firmly  established  in  their  esteem,  that  is 
just  the  time —  (sits  impatiently  L.  of  table  K.) 


10  MY    FRIEXD     FRt)M    INDIA. 

ERASTUS.  We  get  left— say,  it,  my  dear— "Left" 
is  the  word. 

BEENICE.  I've  cultivated  Bella  Van  Puyster  for 
months — we  have  been  companions  at  the  Riding 
Academy  daily — I  had  begun  to  think  she  really 
liked  me — she  certainly  professed  to — when  now 
she  gives  a  reception  and  I  am  ignored — snubbed. 

ERASTUS.  Snored  snubbed — ignubbed — I  mean 
ignored — snubbed — I  rode,  down  on  the  elevated  with 
old  Yan  Puyster  only  yesterday — he  was  very  friendly 
— laughed,  joked  and  chatted  all  the  way — but  never 
a  word  about  this  "blow-out"  to-night —  (rises  and 
crosses  L.) 

BEEXICE.  '(rises — aside)  "Blow-out"! — It's  all 
his  fault,  anyhow — I'm  almost  ashamed  of  him  my- 
self, (goes  up  R.  c.) 

ERASTUS.  As  a  business  proposition,  it  is  about 
the  worst  I  ever  struck.  Here  we've  spent  years, 
and  there's  no  telling  how  many  thousand  dollars 
and  we're  no  nearer  society  than  we  was  when  we 
started  in 

BERXICE.  (coming  down  and  sitting  same  as  be- 
fore. Sitting  R.)  I  confess — I'm  getting  dis- 
couraged. 

ERASTUS.  And  I'm  getting  disgusted — if  we 
don't  make  some  headway  pooty  soon,  I'll  sell  out  the 
whole  darn  shebang  and  move  the  tribe  back  to 
Kansas  City,  (sits  c.  on  ottoman) 

(Enter  GERTIE  R.  u.  E.  from  below  stairs.) 

GERTIE.     What's  the  matter,  Pop?    (down  back  of 
ERASTUS,  arms  around  his  neck.) 
BERNICE.     Don't  say  "Pop!" 
GERTIE.    What's  the  matter,  pa-pa,  dear? 

(Enter  MARIAX  R.   u.  E.  from   below  stairs.     She 
remains  up  and  listens.) 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  U 

ERASTUS.     Stop  it — stop  it 

BERNICE.  (seated)  The  Van  Puysters  give  a 
reception  to-night,  and  we  are  not  invited — that's 
all. 

GERTIE.     Pooh — I'm  going 

ERASTUS  and  BERNICE.     What? 

GERTIE.     To  stay  at  home. 

BERNICE  and  ERASTUS.     Oh ! 

GERTIE,  (coming  L.  c.)  I've  got  a  scheme — Pop's 
rich — he's  subscribed  to  all  the  charities  and  all  that 
— why  can't  we  get  up  a  society  all  to  ourselves? 

BERNICE.     What  are  you  talking  about? 

GERTIE.  Society,  of  course !  It  will  be  very  select 
— we  will  call  it  "The  Society  for  the  Prevention  of 
Cruelty  to  Social  Aspirants."  Won't  that  be  nice? 
It  would  do  ever  so  much  good,  (crosses  to  L.  of 
BERNICE) 

(Enter  TILLY  c.  from  L.  and  takes  footstool. from 
under  ERASTUS'  foot  and  exits  to  L.) 

ERASTUS.  (chases  her  off  L.  and  comes  down  R.) 
Put  me  down  for  a  million !  Stop  her — stop  her 

MARIAN,  (coming  down)  Pardon  my  intrusion. 
(shakes  hands  high  with  BERNICE  and  ERASTUS) 
You  will  forgive  me,  I  know,  but  I  do  so  want  to  be 
your  friend.  I  learned  to  love  and  esteem  you  all 
at  the  Springs.  Perhaps  I  can  be  of  service  to 
you — I  know  everyone  in  the  social  world  worth 
knowing —  (tearing  letter)  There  is  proof  of  my 
sincerity — my  invitation  to  the  Van  Puyster's  re- 
ception— I  was  an  unwilling  listener  to  your  con- 
versation just  now,  and  nothing  could  induce  me 
to  go  now — an  affront  to  a  dear  friend  is  always  an 
affront  to  me.  I  will  reserve  my  new  gown  for  your 
debut,  and  will  never  wear  it  else.  Do  you  accept? 
(offers  hand) 

GERTIE,     (crosses   to    BERNICE,    then    crosses   to 


12  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

MARIAN,  throws  arms  around  her  neck  and  kisses 
her)  Oh,  you  dear,  good  girl !  How  sweet  of  you ! 
(crosses  to  ERASTUS,  c.) 

BERNICE.  Miss  Hayste,  I'm  sure  we  are  deeply 
sincere  in  our  appreciation  of  your  kindness,  (hand- 
shaking business  and  GIELS  retire  up  R.,  joined  by 
GERTIE  who  remains  on  their  L.) 

ERASTUS.  (in  front  of  sofa — aside)  And  that's 
the  girl  I  told  Charlie  he  couldn't  marry — Egad,  I 
didn't  know  she  was  a  Xabob  or  a  Nabobess — She 
may  help  us  in  this  society  business,  (aloud)  Say, 
there — you,  Miss  Hayste — I  think  if  we  could  get 
together,  I  might  make  a  deal  with  you.  (starts 
up  R.) 

BERNICE.  (interrupting)  We'll  retire  to  the 
drawing-room — our  conversation  will  not  interest 
you.  (to  MARIAN)  Don't  mind  papa — he  is 

(Exit  MARIAX  and  BERXICE  R.  u.  E.  GERTIE  watches 
ERASTUS,  who  sits  on  ottoman,  hurt  at  the 
slight.) 

MARIAN,  (as  they  exit)  Oh,  I  should  like  to  talk 
to  Mr.  Underholt 

GERTIE,  (comes  down  behind  him)  Dear  old 
Pop! 

ERASTUS.  That's  right— Pop— plain  Pop— P-O-P. 
I  don't  know  what's  the  matter  with  Bernice  lately 
— cut  me  out  of  my  pipe,  and  now  she  wants  me  to 
smoke  those  paper  things — This  family  is  going  to 
get  into  society  as  a  whole — but  you  and  I,  sweet- 
heart, will  sneak  out  of  it  once  in  a  while  and  sit 
on  the  earth — like  we  did  in  Kansas  City. — There, 
run  along  now  and  join  in  the  conversation  that 
"don't  interest  me."  (throws  down  paper)  I've 
read  that  damned  paper  three  times  already. 

GERTIE.  If  it  don't  interest  you,  Pop,  it  doesn't 
interest  me. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  13 

ERASTUS.  But  it  does  interest  me — only  Bernice 
don't  think  so.  She  will  see  some  day.  (crosses  R.) 
Come  over  to  the  piano  and  sing  something  to  me. 
(goes  to  upper  end  of  piano  R.) 

GERTIE,  (crosses  R.  back  of  ottoman)  What  shall 
I  sing? 

ERASTUS.  Not  from  "choppin"  or  "Beethoven" 
— play  something  I  know. 

GERTSE.  (at  piano  R.)  Do  you  remember  this? 
(she  plays  strain  of  "When  You  and  I  Were  Young, 
Maggie") 

(Enter  TILLY  c.  door  from  R.  Picks  up  paper  from 
ottoman.) 

ERASTUS.  That's  what  I  call  music — good  music 
— Kansas  City  music.  ( TILLY  offers  paper)  ERAS- 
TUS grabs  paper,  backs  TILLY  to  c.)  I've  read  that 
until  I'm  black  in  the  face.  Will  you  be  kind  enough 
to  mind  your  own  business?  You  are  exclusively 
minister  of  German  affairs,  and  nothing  else. 

TILLY.  I  think  dot  I  go  back  by  Kansas  City. 
(coming  to  R.  of  ottoman — puts  paper  on  it) 

ERASTUS.  (following  her.  Gradually  works  up 
into  a  fury)  And  don't  mention  Kansas  City  again. 
I've  been  trying  to  forget  it  for  the  past  three  years ; 
but  you  remember  it  breakfast,  dinner  and  supper; 
I  believe  you  wake  up  in  the  middle  of  the  night 
and  yap  about  Kansas  City. 

GERTIE,  (rises,  goes  to  him.  Trying  to  pacify 
him)  Pop's  getting  cross — yes,  you  are. 

ERASTUS.  No,  I'm  not — but  I've  spent  too  much 
money  to  look  on  this  thing  as  a  joke. 

TILLY.     When  I  said  Kansas  City 

ERASTUS.  Don't  say —  (turns  and  stumbles  over 
her)  Get  out —  (sees  JENNINGS) 

(Enter  JENNINGS  c.  from  L.) 


14  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

There's  another  one  of  them.     The  house  is  full  of 
them! 

( TILLY  runs  up  and  off  c.  to  LV  meeting  JENNINGS 
and  turning  him  around  as  he  enters  c.  doors 
from  L.)     (R.  c.  to  JENNINGS.) 
Is  my  son  up? 

JENNINGS.     I  think  not,  sir.     (crosses  to  door  L.) 

ERASTUS.  (picks  up  statue  from  piano,  R.)  Well, 
I'll  wake  him. 

GERTIE.     (R.)     Look  out,  Pop. 

ERASTUS.     What's  the  matter? 

GERTIE,  (holding  his  arm)  You  may  break  the 
statue,  (takes  it  from  him,  replaces  it  on  piano) 

ERASTUS.  You've  got  more  brains  than  the  whole 
family  put  together.  Jennings,  you  wake  him — I'll 
go  down  in  the  cellar  and  see  if  the  gas  meter  is 
still  gaining  time. 

(Exits  R.  u.  E.   JENNINGS  starts  and  knocks  at  door 

L.    1.) 

GERTIE,  (coming  c.  above  ottoman)  Jennings 
—  (he  crosses  to  her  c.)  Don't  wake  him —  Per- 
haps he  came  in  late  last  night — and  you  know  how 
it  is  yourself,  (at  c.  door,  then  exits  c.  to  door  R.) 

JENNINGS.  Perhaps  he  came  in  late!  I  was  up 
till  two  o'clock,  and  he  hadn't  arrived  then 

(Enter  CHARLIE  door  L.  1.) 

Good  morning,  sir. 

CHARLIE.  Is  it?  I'm  glad  of  that — it  was  a 
pretty  bad  night.  Jennings,  fetch  me  a  bottle  of 
Apollinaris  and  a  bowl  of  cracked  ice. 

(Exit  JENNINGS  c.  to  L.) 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  15 

Where  did  I  get  him?  How  did  he  come  here  in 
my  bed?  Kicked  me  out  of  bed  during  his  restless 
slumbers — Don't  think  I  ever  saw  him  before — let  me 
think — the  last  I  remember  was  going  into  the 
Hoffman  House  about  eleven,  and  then — it's  no  use 
trying  to  use  this  to  think  with  now 

(Enter  JENNINGS  c.  from  L.  with  tray,  bottle  and 
bowl  of  ice,  comes  c.) 

Set  them  on  the  table.  (JENNINGS  starts  L.)  Hold 
on — you  won't  give  me  away  to  the  Governor,  will 
you? 

JENNINGS.  Certainly  not,  sir.  (puts  tray  on  table 
R.  Gives  CHARLIE  a  drink) 

CHARLIE.  (Gives  him  a  coin)  There's  a  man  in 
there,  (bus.) 

JENNINGS.     A  man,  sir 

CHARLIE.  And  the  worst  of  it  is  I  don't  know 
who  he  is,  or  how  the  deuce  he  came  here 

JENNINGS.     This  sounds  like  a  case  for  the  police. 

CHARLIE.  Not  so  bad  as  that.  Take  a  look  and 
see  if  you  recognize  him. 

JENNINGS,  (crosses  ~L.,  peeps  in  door  L.  1  E.) 
Never  cast  eyes  on  him  before,  sir. 

CHARLIE.  Fetch  his  clothes  out  here — we  may 
find  something  by  which  to  identify  him. 

(Exit  JENNINGS  door  L.  1.  Re-enters  with  clothes. 
CHARLIE  crosses  R.,  takes  another  drink  while 
JENNINGS  gets  clothes) 

JENNINGS,  (searching  pants)  No  harm  in  going 
through  them,  is  there  ? 

CHARLIE.  (L.  c.  Searching  in  vest)  No;  we 
must  find  out  who  he  is — it  would  be  very  awkward 
if  he  should  awake  and  I  didn't  know  the  name 
of  my  guest. 


16  MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 

JENNINGS.  Ah — you've  been  at  it  again,  sir — and 
after  the  awful  row  you  had  with  your  father  the 
last  time. 

CHARLIE.  That's  just  it — things  have  reached  a 
crisis.  If  the  Governor  gets  on  to  last  night's  racket, 
he  will  fire  me  out  bodily.  This  fellow,  whoever  he 
is,  has  got  to  help  me  lie  out  of  it.  (finds  paper) 
What's  this?  (reads)  Thompson's  Sea  Foam 
Shaving  Soap,  (same  business)  The  Concave, 
Convex,  Wire-edge,  Laminated  Razor —  (same 
business)  The  Safety  Razor  must  go — Grand  rally 
• — meeting  to  be  addressed  by  our  fellow-artist,  the 
talented  orator,  Augustus  Keene  Shaver — nothing 
to  show  who  he  is  yet. 

JENNINGS.  Here's  something  heavy  in  his  coat 
pocket. 

CHAELIE.  Let's  see—  (takes  book)  "The  Light 
of  Asia."  It's  well  thumbed — he's  evidently  read  it 
many  times,  from  its  appearance.  (suddenly) 
One  of  those  theosophical  cranks 

JENNINGS.     What's  the  light  of  Asia  ? 

CHARLIE.  Don't  you  know  what  the  "Light  of 
Asia"  is? 

JENNINGS.  Kerosene,  I  suppose — they're  hardly 
up  to  gas  yet. 

CHARLIE,  (suddenly)  By  Jingo,  an  idea!  If 
this  fellow  is  up  in  theosophy,  I'll—  (to  JENNINGS) 
Here,  take  all  these  clothes  and  lock  them  up  some- 
where. 

JENNINGS.     Certainly,  but —  (starts  up  L.) 

CHARLIE.     I'll  bear  the  responsibility. 

JENNINGS,  (going  c.)  This  is  Highway  Rob- 
bery— nothing  else,  (exit.) 

CHARLIE,  (glibly)  The  very  thing — this  is  a 
profound  pundit  who  has  just  arrived  from  India — 
where  he  has  been  studying  the  mysticism  of  the 
East.  He  is  the  only  man  of  modern  times  who  has 
succeeded  in  attaining  Nirvana — I  don't  know  what 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  17 

Nirvana  is,  but  I've  no  doubt  he  does.  It'll  all  be 
one  to  the  Governor  anyway.  I'll  just  remind  him 
that  it's  dawn,  (throws  book,  gets  it  from  sofa — 
CRASH)  Through  the  window — another  glass! 

SHAVER,     (in  room)     Next! 

CHARLIE.  I  wonder  where  I  got  him?  He's 
coming  out — what  is  he  going  to  wear? 

(Enter  SHAVER  door  L.  1  E.,  with  bowl  and  yellow 
bedspread.) 

Oh!  He  has  put  on  my  silk  bedspread.  I  wonder 
where  I  did  get  him?  (gets  L.  c.) 

SHAVER.  (L.  near  door)  Can  you  tell  me  in 
what  part  of  the  city  I  undressed  last  night?  Or 
this  morning.,  or  whenever  it  was — I  don't  seem  to 
be  able  to  find  my  trousseau  somehow. 

CHARLIE.  Say,  where  did  I  run  upon  you  last 
night? 

SHAVER.     Hoffman  House — don't  you  remember? 

CHARLIE.  Don't  remember  anything — How  did  I 
happen  to  bring  you  home  with  me  ? 

SHAVER.  Out  of  gratitude,  I  suppose,  for  my 
having  brought  you  home  with  me. 

CHARLIE.     How  was  it — tell  me  about  it 

SHAVER.  You  know  I'm  an  artist —  (aside} 
Tonsorial —  (aloud)  and  a  gentleman,  prominent 
in  political  circles,  was  giving  me  a  sitting  in  his 
rooms  upstairs —  (bus.) 

CHARLIE.     At  eleven  o'clock  at  night? 

SHAVER.  Just  a  few  finishing  touches  about  the 
head  and  face — Next! 

CHARLIE.     Oh !    I  see 

SHAVER.  And  as  I  was  passing  out  through  the 
cafe,  I  was  laid  hold  of  by  that  noisy  mob  of 
yours 

CHARLIE.     "Mob's"  the  word  for  it.      (sits  c.) 

SHAVER.     And  forced  to  take  a  drink  whether  I 


18  MY    FRIEXD    FROM    INDIA. 

wanted  it  or  not.  After  which  I  was  compelled  to 
&ing  a  song. 

CHARLIE.  '  Did  I  sing? 

SHAVER.     That  isn't  what  they  called  it 

CHARLIE.  What  queer  breaks  a  fellow  will  make 
sometimes!  (rises,  walks  over  R.) 

SHAVER.  Speaking  of  breaks  reminds  me,  when 
we  were  coming  home  this  morning,  you  kicked  in  a 
plate-glass  window. 

CHARLIE.  Another!  You  don't  mean  it!  Was 
it  French  or  German  plate? 

SHAVER.  From  the  looks  of  it  I  should  say  it  was 
broken  Dutch. 

CHARLIE.     I'm  in  a  devil  of  a  hole. 

SHAVER.  Well,  you  may  think  I'm  enjoying  quite 
a  spread. 

(Enter  JENNINGS  L.  u.  E.) 
JENNINGS.    Look  out ! 

(Exit  JENNINGS  c.  D.  L.) 

(Enter  ERASTUS  R.  u.  E.) 

(Exit  CHARLIE  and  SHAVER  L.  1.) 

ERASTUS.  Is  that  boy  up  yet?  Well,  I'll  wake 
him  up.  (goes  to  L.  1  and  knocks)  Charles! 
Charles! 

CHARLIE,     (outside)    Yes,  father. 

ERASTUS.  "Yes,  father!"  That  don't  go  with 
me — we'll  see  whether  you  will  come  home  any  old 
time 

(Exit    ERASTUS    c.    D.    R.      Enter    CHARLIE    and 
SHAVER.) 

CHARLIE,     (runs  up  c.,  looks  off  after  ERASTUS. 


MY    FRIEND     FROM    INDIA.  19 

Then  comes  down  L.  of  ottoman)  You've  got  to 
help  me  square  it  with  the  Governor — I'd  do  as 
much  for  you,  if  you  were  in  trouble. 

SHAVER.  (L.  in  front  of  sofa)  If  I  were  in 
trouble — what  do  you  call  this — having  fun? 

CHARLIE.  You'll  only  have  to  lie  a  little  for  a 
few  moments. 

SHAVER.     I  despise  a  liar. 

CHARLIE,     (gives  bill)    There's  a  tenner. 

SHAVER,  (takes  it)  But  any  one  who  couldn't 
lie  comfortable  under  a  silk  bedspread  ought  to  be 
forced  to  sleep  on  a  bench  in  the  park. 

CHARLIE.  I  found  a  copy  of  "The  Light  of 
Asia"  in  your  pocket. 

SHAVER.     Don't  lose  it. 

CHARLIE.     Do  you  know  anything  of  theosophy? 

SHAVER.  I  have  devoted  all  my  spare  time  to  its 
study — Oh! — Gautama,  Gautama,  most  noble  re- 
cluse—  (crosses  to  R.) 

CHARLIE,  (goes  c.)  That's  it — you  shall  be  a 
recluse. 

SHAVER.     (R.  c. )    Do  I  look  it  ? 

CHARLIE.  You  not  only  look  it,  but  you  are. 
You  have  just  returned  from  India,  where  you  have 
been  studying  the  mysticism  of  the  East — you  are 
my  friend — my  friend  from  India. 

SHAVER.     But  I'm  nothing  of  the  kind. 

CHARLIE.  (R.  c.)  Of  course  not — but  you  can 
say  you  are — you  have  learned  all  there  is  to  know 
of  Theosophy,  and  have  attained  that  most  exalted 
state,  Nirvana. 

SHAVER,  (rises,  returns  money)  I  want  my 
clothes. 

CHARLIE.  Now,  don't  queer  this  thing — the  old 
man  don't  know  the  first  thing  about  theosophy — 
I'll  prepare  him  while  you  wait  in  my  room  there. 
The  whole  thing  won't  take  five  minutes,  then  I'll 
get  you  your  clothes  and  you  can  go. 


20  M*     FRIEND     FROM    INDIA. 

SHAVER.    Is  your  father  a  mild-tempered  man? 

CHARLIE.    A  perfect  dove. 

SHAVER.     Slippers  or  boots? 

CHARLIE.     Slippers 

SHAVER.     Give  me  the  twenty  and  I'll  chance  it. 

CHARLIE.     Twenty?    Ten  was  the  amount. 

SHAVER.     But  this  is  expert  testimony. 

CHARLIE.  Well,  there's  a  check  of  father's — 
that's  the  best  I  can  do  just  now.  You're  to  say 
you  arrived  on  the  New  York — that  you  are  on  your 
way  to  deliver  a  course  of  lectures  in  Philadelphia, 
Boston,  or  any  old  place — that  you  met  me  last 

night  at  the  Young  Men's  Christian  Association 

(SHAVER  hands  back  check,  sits  L.  of  table)  No, 
that  won't  do — Fifth  Avenue  Hotel — that  will  go 
better  with  the  old  man — and  that  we  remained  in 
your  room,  discussing  the  beauties  of  the  Buddhist 
Philosophy — if  we  stick  to  this  story,  it  will  cover 
the  drunk,  the  broken  glass,  and  all  will  be  smooth 
sailing —  (c.) 

SHAVER.     But,  what's  my  name  all  this  time? 

CHARLIE.  Let's  see  the  morning  paper — passen- 
ger list  of  the  New  York —  (takes  paper  from  otto- 
man)  Here  it  is — "Oliver  Bragg,  Philadelphia." 

SHAVER.     (R.  c.)     That  won't  do — too  harsh. 

CHARLIE,     (c.)     "Gottlieb  Dinkelspiel." 

SHAVER.  "Dinkelspiel" — that  must  be  a  mis- 
print. 

CHARLIE.  Here's  one — "James  Tweedle,  Bos- 
ton." 

SHAVER.  Now  you're  getting  warm — I  like  the 
idea  of  Boston,  but  I'm  not  particularly  stuck  on 
Tweedle, 

CHARLIE.  It'll  do  for  five  or  ten  minutes,  any- 
way. 

SHAVER.     But  what  am  I  to  wear  ? 

CHARLIE.  Wear?  You  belong  to  the  Order  of 
the  Yellow  Robe,  don't  you  ? 


MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA.  21 

SHAVER.     Do  I? 

CHARLIE.  The  right  arm  bared  to  the  shoul- 
der  

SHAVER,  (crossing  L.)  And  the  yellow  bowl, 
the  Buddhist  Mendicant  Priests  carry  around  from 
door  to  door,  begging  rice. 

CHARLIE.     Great ! 

SHAVER.  And  do  you  think  I'm  such  a  fool  as  to 
appear  before  your  father  in  a  rig  like  that?  He'd 
kick  me  out  of  the  house — I  don't  want  any  part  of 
it — I  want  my  clothes 

CHARLIE.     (R.  c.)    But  you  must  help  me  out 

SHAVER,  (near  door  L.  1)  But  I  say  I  won't — 
I  want  my  clothes — you've  no  right  to  keep  them — 
it's  robbery,  and  I  can  have  you  arrested  for  forci- 
ble detention. 

CHARLIE.  I'm  not  detaining  you — why  don't  you 
go?  (goes  up) 

SHAVER.  Why  don't  I  go?  During  my  previous 
existence  in  the  first  century  in  Eome,  I  could  have 
promenaded — but  styles  have  changed  since  then. 

CHARLIE.     That's  your  affair. 

(JENNINGS  enters  c.  from  L.) 

JENNINGS.  Beg  pardon,  sir — but  the  policeman 
on  our  beat  wants  to  see  you — particular,  sir. 

CHARLIE.  Policeman — to  see  me?  (to  SHAVER) 
We're  gone — it's  the  plate  glass. 

SHAVER.  We?  Speak  for  yourself — it  was  none 
of  my  plate  glass. 

CHARLIE,  (crosses  to  L.)  If  you  leave  me — I'll 
lay  the  whole  thing  on  you — I  warn  you,  I'm  des- 
perate. 

SHAVER.  If  you  do,  I'll  make  a  clean  breast  of 
everything. 

CHARLIE.     What  had  we  better  do  ? 

SHAVER.     See  him  and  square  it  before  he  sees 


22  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

your  father,     (aside)     Here's  my  chance  to  escape 
— the  policeman  will  force  him  to  give  up  my  clothes. 
CHARLIE.     Show  him  up,  Jennings. 

(Exit  JENNINGS  c.  to  L.) 

SHAVER.  You're  not  going  to  drag  me  into  this 
thing,  too? 

CHARLIE.  You're  an  accessory  both  before  and 
after  the  fact — Mr. — say,  what  is  your  name  ? 

SHAVER.  Shaver — Augustus  Keene  Shaver — a 
victim  of  circumstances 

(Enter  POLICEMAN,  preceded  by  JENNINGS,  c.  from 
L.    Exit  JENNINGS,  c.  to  L.) 

CHARLIE,  (up  L.  c.)  Hello,  Billy.  How  are 
you  making  it?  Glad  to  see  you — How's  everything 
—all  right? 

FINNERTY.  (up  c. — has  hat  and  cane)  First 
rate — far  as  I  know.  I  picked  these  up  in  front  of 
your  home  this  morning,  and  I'm  looking  for  an 
owner  for  them — belong  to  you? 

CHARLIE,  (takes  them)  By  Jove !  that's  my 
stick — I  wouldn't  take  a  ten-dollar  note  for  that. 
(offers  Ml) 

FINNERTY.  Couldn't  think  of  it —  (takes  bill) 
I'm  only  too  glad  to  do  a  favor  for  you. 

CHARLIE.     Thanks,  old  fellow. 

(Business,   indicating   that    SHAVER   threw   clothes, 
etc.,  etc.) 

FINNERTY.    Crazy  ?    Violent  ? 

CHARLIE.  Yes,  at  times.  Throws  everything  he 
can  gets  his  hands  on  out  of  the  window — that's 
how  my  things  came  out  there. 

FINNERTY.     I  see — a  relative? 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  33 

CHAELES.     Brother. 

FINNERTY.     Too  bad — too  bad. 

CHARLIE.  He's  tried  to  escape  several  times — 
that's  the  reason  we're  forced  to  keep  him  dressed 
like  that — if  he  should  get  out  any  time,  you  soak 
him,  and  we'll  make  it  right  with  you. 

SHAVER,  (aside)  I  wonder  what  he's  saying  to 
that  policeman? 

FINNERTY.  Why,  of  course — I  know  my  busi- 
ness, (starts  up  c.) 

SHAVER.  Look  here,  officer,  I'm  detained  against 
my  will — they've  taken  my  clothes  and  I  want  to 
prefer  a  charge  of  burglary  against  that  man 
there 

FINNERTY.     Don't  get  excited — you'll  be  all  right. 

SHAVER,  (up  L.  c.)  But  it's  your  duty  as  an 
officer  to  take  me  away  from  here 

FINNERTY.  That's  all  right — you  keep  perfectly 
cool. 

SHAVER.  But  I  tell  you  it's  not  all  right;  I  de- 
mand my  rights  as  an  American  citizen  to  be  ar- 
rested— what  are  the  police  for,  if  not  to  arrest 
people,  I'd  like  to  know!  Can't  sleep  all  the  time. 

FINNERTY.  You  be  perfectly  easy  in  your  mind 
—I'll  attend  to  you.  (to  CHARLIE)  Terrible  case, 
ain't  it? 

SHAVER.  I  beg  of  you  to  take  me  away  from 
here — my  life  may  be  in  danger.  You  can't  tell — 
I  don't  know  what  may  happen — I 

FINNERTY.  (savagely)  That'll  do.  That's 
enough  out  of  you — sit  right  there,  and  shut  your 
trap.  (SHAVER  flops  on  sofa  L.  To  CHARLIE  at 
mantel)  That's  the  only  way  to  do  with  them  kind 
of  guys.  You  got  to  talk  rough  to  them  sometimes. 

(Exit  c.  door  to  L.) 
SHAVER.    No  use — he  thinks  I'm  crazy. 


24  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

CHARLIE.     Don't  you  think  you'd  better  stay? 

SHAVER,  (rises)  But  suppose  I  should  be  asked 
a  question  I  couldn't  answer? 

CHARLIE.  Don't  answer — fall  into  a  state  of  deep 
abstraction — you  know — I'll  pave  the  way  for  all 
that 

SHAVER.  The  streets  of  Sheol  are  full  of  pavers 
like  you.  (goes  near  door  L.  1  E.) 

CHARLIE.  Get  in  there  now — the  Governor  gen- 
erally gets  down  about  this  time  to  read  his  paper. 
I'll  call  you  when  I  want  you. 

SHAVER,  (at  door  L.  1  E.)  There's  to  be  a  short 
interview  with  him  and  no  one  else. 

CHARLIE.     Not  another  soul 

SHAVER.     And  then  I'm  to  go? 

CHARLIE.  Yes,  and  blooming  glad  to  be  rid  of 
you! 

SHAVER.  Not  half  so  glad  as  I'll  be  to  get  out 
of  here. 

CHARLIE.  If  the  old  man  gets  on  to  the  game, 
I'll  be  kicked  out. 

SHAVER.  I  can't  win  but  twenty  dollars,  and  I 
stand  to  lose  the  combination  to  my  anatomy. 

ERASTUS.     (outside)    Where  is  he?    Where  is  he? 

SHAVER.     Excuse  me.     (Exits  door  L.  1) 

(Enter  ERASTUS  c.  from  R.,  with  newspaper.) 

ERASTUS.    Oh,  there  you  are,  eh? 

CHARLIE.  (L.  c.  in  front  of  sofa)  Good  morn- 
ing, father. 

ERASTUS.  Good  morning.  Don't  give  me  that 
baby  stare.  Look  at  this  sensational  article — headed 
"Jack  the  Window  Smasher!"  You'll  tell  me  you 
didn't  do  it,  won't  you?  Six  hundred  dollars  in 
three  months  for  plate  glass  windows!  There's  no 
mistake  about  it — here  it  is  in  black  and  white. 

CHARLIE.     But  there's  no  name  mentioned 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 


ERASTUS.  Not  at  all  necessary;  when  you  were 
not  in  your  room  at  eleven  o'elock,  I  knew  how  it 
would  be-— that  was  the  first  thing  I  looked  for  in 
the  paper  this  morning — I  warned  you  against  join- 
ing that  football  team  at  college,  but  it  was  no  use. 

CHARLIE.     I'm  sorry,  Dad. 

ERASTUS.  You  ain't  sorry,  neither.  You'd  act 
better  if  you  was.  Go  and  pack  your  traps  and  get 
out  of  here.  I'll  have  a  check  for  you  when  you're 
ready — the  last  you'll  ever  get  from  me.  (crosses 
to  R.) 

Let  me  explain- 


CHARLIE. 

ERASTUS. 
write  check) 

CHARLIE. 
night  with  { 
imbibing 


(at  writing  desk)     No —  (preparing  to 

(crosses  to  R.  c.)     I  have  been  up  all 
most  learned  Pundit  from  the  East, 


ERASTUS.     Exactly — imbibing. 

CHARLIE.  Imbibing  the  grandest  philosophy  the 
world  has  even  known.  He  arrived  only  yesterday 
on  the  New  York. 

(turns  on  chair)     Who  is  he — what  is 


ERASTUS. 
he? 

SHAVER. 
damn  fool. 

CHARLIE. 

ERASTUS. 

CHARLIE. 

SHAVER. 

ERASTUS. 

CHARLIE. 
fast 

ERASTUS.     Who  said  anything  about  a  man? 
talking  about  the  horse. 

SHAVER.     Now  I'm  a  horse. 

CHARLIE.     It's  not  a  horse,  father. 

SHAVER.     Thank  goodness,  Fm  not  a  horse. 

ERASTUS.    What  is  it — a  steam  yacht  ? 


(aside,  listening  at  door  L.)     He  is  a 

(R.  c.)     He  is  a  Theosophist. 
A  what-o-phist  ?    I  never  heard  of  him. 
He  has  got  a  Nirvana. 
(aside)     But  no  pants. 
Has  he — is  he  fast? 
Fast?      A    man    who    has    Nirvana — 


I'm 


26  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

SHAVEH.     Now  I'm  a  steam  yacht. 

CHARLIE.     You  don't  quite  grasp  me,  dad. 

EEASTUS.     (rising)     No,  but  I  will  in  a  minute. 

SHAVEK.     (aside)     I  wish  he'd  kill  him. 

CHARLIE.  I'll  fetch  him  out — he  can  explain 
better  than  I —  (crosses  L.) 

EBASTUS.  I  should  hope  so  unless  he's  a  drivel- 
ling idiot — Trot  him  out.  (crosses  c.) 

CHARLIE.  All  right,  Dad.  (goes  L.,  then  stops, 
Turns)  But  be  gentle  with  him — don't  deal  harshly 
with  him 

ERASTUS.  Well,  bring  him  out  and  I'll  look  him 
over —  (CHARLES  goes  to  door  L.  and  enters  with 
SHAVER.)  A  Pundit — looks  like  an  omelette. 

CHARLIE.  Father,  let  me  introduce  Mr.  James 
Tweedle,  my  friend  from  India. 

ERASTUS.  (R.  c.)  So,  you're  from  India. 
(business) 

CHARLIE,  (c.)  I've  been  trying  to  explain  what 
Nirvana  is 

SHAVER,  (crosses  c.)  Most  Blessed  State — 
Nirvana  is  Eternal  Peace — Can  you  lend  me  a  pair 
of  pants? 

ERASTUS.  (down  R.)  He's  one  of  those  things 
— a  freak — that  society  is  craving  for — it's  a  brand 
new  one,  and  it's  dropped  right  into  my  hand.  I'll 
nail  him  and  work  it  for  all  it's  worth.  Charlie — 
Charlie,  I  want  to  see  this — this — alone. 

CHARLIE.  Alone!  You'd  better  let  me  stay, 
dad.  I  can  explain. 

ERASTUS.  You  can't  explain  that  out  of  me — 
(business)  Mr.  Sweedle,  I'm  coming  back  in  a 
minute — I'm  going  to  talk  to  you  on  business. 

(Exit  ERASTUS  R.  u.  c.) 

SHAVER,  (aside)  He'll  get  me  alone  and  wipe 
the  floor  with  me.  (picks  up  hat  and  coat  and  starts 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  27 

to  go  off  R.  TILLY  enters,  comes  c.  and  takes  them 
away  from  him.  ERASTUS  re-enters.  Exit  TILLY  c. 
to  R.  Exit  CHARLIE) 

ERASTUS.  Now,  Mr.  Beattles,  I'm  trying  to  get 
into  society. 

SHAVER,     (aside)    And  I'm  trying  to  get  out. 

(Enter  TILLY  c.  from  R.) 

TILLY.     Oh,  Mr.  Underholt— 

ERASTUS.     Will  you  get  out  of  here ?    (chases 

her  out  c.  to  L.  and  follows) 

(Re-enter  CHARLIE,  L.  1  E.,  attempts  to  speak  to 
SHAVER.  They  meet  c.  as  ERASTUS  enters  at 
back  c.  CHARLIE  dives  for  door  and  exits. 
SHAVER  advances.) 

ERASTUS.     Now,  you're  a  freak. 

SHAVER.     No 

ERASTUS.  I  mean  a  fad — and  I  think  with  your 
Nirvana  racket  and  my  business  ability,  you  can 
be  of  service  to  me,  and  make  a  nice  thing  out  of  it 
for  yourself.  I've  tried  everything  else  and  now  I 
want  to  try  a  fad — are  you  engaged  ? 

SHAVER.     I  don't  think  I  understand. 

ERASTUS.     It's  simple  enough. 

SHAVER,  (aside)  Everything  is  easy  and  simple 
around  here. 

ERASTUS.  You  are  to  remain  here  as  my  guest — 
you  are  to  see  no  one  but  the  members  of  my  family 
until  I  give  you  permission — is  that  satisfactory? 

SHAVER.     Quite  so,  sir. 

ERASTUS.  (crosses  his  legs  and  dangles  his  feet) 
All  you  need  to  give  you  notoriety,  fame  and  fortune, 
is  booming  and  I'm  just  the  man  to  boom  you. 

SHAVER,  (looking  at  ERASTUS'  boot.  Aside) 
Charlie  lied  to  me  about  those  slippers. 

ERASTUS.     I'll  write  you  a  check  for  five  hundred 


28  MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 

as  a  retaining  fee.  (crosses  to  desk  and  writes) 
And  if  we  succeed  in  accomplishing  our  object, 
I'll  give  you  ten  thousand  as  freely  as  I  would  a 
dollar — is  it  a  bargain? 

SHAVER,  (aside)  Talk  about  a  victim  of  cir- 
cumstances— what's  the  use?  (aloud)  I'm  very 
sorry,  sir,  but  I'm  pledged  to  deliver  a  course  of 
lectures  in  Boston,  and 

ERASTUS.  Oh,  no,  Giggles,  I'll  make  it  a  thousand 
in  advance — I  must  have  you — let  'em  wait  in  Bos- 
ton—I'll tell  'em 

SHAVER.     Just  tell  them  that  you  saw  me 

ERASTUS.  I  saw  you — all  society  shall  see  you — 
and  they'll  have  to  see  you  through  me — that's  the 
trick,  eh,  Giggles.  I'd  rather  have  you  than  ten 
train  loads  of  Kansas  City  hogs. 

SHAVER.  Don't  mention  it.  (ERASTUS  offers 
check)  Well,  since  you  insist,  (takes  check.  Goes 
L.) 

ERASTUS.  Good — now —  (up  R.)  I'm  going  to 
launch  you. 

SHAVER,  (aside)  I  knew  he'd  do  something — I 
wonder  if  launching  is  painful. 

ERASTUS.  Mustn't  lose  you  Tweedle.  You  are 
my  last  card.  (Exit  R.  3  E. — Going)  Girls,  girls, 
I've  bought  you  something. 

SHAVER.  I  must  get  out  of  here  or  I'll  be  exposed 
as  an  impostor — perhaps  arrested  and  put  in  prison. 

(Enter  CHARLIE,  door  L.  1.) 

CHARLIE.    Well? 

SHAVER.  (L.  c.)  A  nice  mess  you've  got  me  into 
with  your  dissolute  habits. 

CHARLIE.    What  did  he  do — what  did  he  say? 

SHAVER.  Say?  Why,  he's  discovered  a  new  fad 
in  me  that  society  is  simply  yearning  for — and  he 
wants  to  use  me  to  promote  his  social  aspirations. 


MY     FRIEND     *KOM     1JSD1A.  39 

CHARLIE.  Great  Heavens!  But  you  declined — 
you  told  him  you  were  engaged  to  lecture  some- 
where  

SHAVER.  But  it  wouldn't  go —  (shows  check) 
He  gave  me  this  as  a  retainer. 

CHARLIE.  A  thousand  dollars!  This  will  never 
do.  You  can't  carry  this  thing  through — you've  got 
to  get  out  of  here. 

SHAVER.  That's  your  business — you  got  me  in; 
now  get  me  out.  (crosses  R.) 

CHARLIE.  I  will — I'll  get  your  clothes  at  once 
and  help  you  to  get  out  before  it  is  too  late.  (Exit 
L.  u.  E.) 

SHAVER,  (following  him  up  ~L.,  calling  off)  If 
you  can't  get  a  whole  suit,  get  a  hat,  and  I'll  take 
chances. 

(Enter  GERTIE,  BERNICE  and  MARIAN  R.  u.  E.) 

GERTIE.     Where  is  he?    There  he  is. 

BERNICE.     You  are  the  Light  of  Asia  ? 

SHAVER.     Yes,  but  I'm  burning  very  low. 

GERTIE.  Excuse  my  familiarity,  but  Pop  said 
he  bought  you 

SHAVER.  And  you  wanted  to  see  if  he  got 
stuck 

MARIAN,  (c.)  How  witty!  Have  you  been  here 
very  long? 

SHAVER.  It  seems  a  hundred  years — that  is — 
well,  you  know,  with  us  there  is  no  time,  (sits  c.) 
But  I  think  I'll  do  a  little. 

BERNICE.  I  trust  you  will  find  time  to  teach  me 
the  ethics  of  your  delightful  philosophy. 

SHAVER.  We'll  start  now —  (business.  She  sits  L. 
of  him.  Aside)  This  is  getting  interesting. 

GERTIE.     May  we  listen  ? 

SHAVER.  Certainly.  (GERTIE  sits)  Come 
closer. 


30  MY    FRIEND     FROM    INDIA. 

GERTIE.     Come,  Marian 

(Sits  R.  of  GERTIE.) 

SHAVER,     (to  BERXICE)     Have  you  got  a  cigar? 
(Recover.) 

I  thought  I  smelled  tobacco  smoke — I  can't  bear 
smoke — it  would  shatter  my  nerves. 

BERNICE.  I  know  we  will  get  on  famously.  I, 
too,  detest  tobacco. 

MARIAN.     Why,  that's  silk,  isn't  it? 

SHAVER.  Yes,  ma'am;  mulberry  silk 1  raised 

the  mulls  myself  in  India. 

(Enter  CHARLIE  L.  u.  E.  door,  with  clothes  and  hat.) 

CHARLIE.  I  can't  find  Jennings — but  I've  got 
some  of  the  Governor's  clothes — they'll  have  to — 
(sees  them)  Great  Jehosaphat ! 

SHAVER.     What  time  do  you  dine? 

CHARLIE,  (up  L.,  aside)  He's  going  to  be  a 
regular  boarder. 

GERTIE,     (c.)    We  have  luncheon  at  one. 

(Enter  MRS.   BEEKMAX-STREETE,  c.  door  from  i., 
comes  down  in  front  of  sofa.     GIRLS  R.) 

MRS.  B.  S.     Where  is  he?    Where  is  he? 
( GIRLS  all  rise.) 

SHAVER.     Don't  go  away. 

BERXICE.  Oh,  Auntie — this  is  Mr.  Tweedle — my 
aunt,  Mrs.  Beekman-Streete 

SHAVER.  Is  that  your  aunt? Well,  you 

couldn't  help  it? 

MRS.  B.  S.     I'm  delighted  to  meet  you,  sir. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  31 

SHAVEE.  (bowing)  Mrs.  Beekman-Streete. 
(crosses  to  her)  Any  relative  of  the  other  Streetes? 

MRS.  B.  S.     Oh,  yes;  we  are  a  large  family. 

SHAVER.  Get  the  rest  of  them — that  is,  we  must 
get  them  all  to  join  our  society,  (they  cross  to 
others  R.  MARIAN  goes  up  c.  and  comes  down) 

CHARLIE,  (aside)  He'll  have  them  all  in  jail. 
(aloud)  Mr.  Tweedle 

SHAVER,  (talking  with  girls)  Go  away;  you  make 
me  nervous. 

CHARLIE,     (to  SHAVER)     Tweedle 

SHAVER.  What,  you  here  again?  (to  him) 
Don't  bother  me,  please. 

CHARLIE,     (aside)    Oh,  this  is  awful. 

MARIAN,     (to  CHARLIE)     Isn't  he  lovely? 

CHARLIE.  Yes — he's  a  peach,  (pulls  SHAVER'S 
gown)  Will  you  get  out  of  here? 

SHAVER,  (to  CHARLIE)  Have  you  discovered  my 
wardrobe  ? 

CHARLIE.     They  are  in  the  room,     (points  L.) 

SHAVER.  Now,  if  you  ladies  will  excuse  me  for  a 
few  moments,  I'll  put  on  my  afternoon  clothes. 
(MARIAN  crossing  bach  to  L.  of  CHARLIE) 

GERTIE.     Are  they  silk  ? 

SHAVER,  (crosses  to  GERTIE)-  No,  sweet,  fair 
one — (kisses  her  on  forehead)  They  are  flannel. 
To  you,  dear  maid,  farewell,  (to  BERNICE.  To 
MRS.  B.  S.)  What  can  I  say  to  you.  I'll  think 
and  say  it  later,  (crosses  to  L.  to  CHARLIE)  I  have 
nothing  to  say  to  you.  (to  MARIAN)  Angel  of 
Light — (kisses  her  on  the  forehead.  Exits  to  room 

L.  1) 

ALL.    Isn't  he  lovely? 

BERNICE.    How  interesting. 

GERTIE.     So  picturesque. 

MARIAN.     And  intelligent. 

MRS.  B.  S.     Where  did  you  get  him,  Charlie? 

CHARLIE.     Get  him  ?    He  got  me 


32  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

ALL.     What ! 

CHAKLIE.     Got  me  to  fetch  him  here 

SHAVER,   (in  room)  Have  you  got  a  collar  button? 
CHARLIE.     In   the    bureau    drawer.      I've   got   a 
temperature  of  120 

(Enter  TILLY,  c.  door.    She  comes  down.) 

TILLY.  Der  French  and  German  Professors  was 
here. 

BERXICE.  Show  them  to  the  study  room — we'll 
be  there  directly. 

(Exit  TILLY  door  c.  to  R.) 

SHAVER,  (from  door)  Is  this  whiskey  in  this 
demijohn  ? 

CHARLIE.     Oh- 

GERTIE.    You'll  excuse  me,  Marian — till  luncheon  ? 

MARIAX.     (at  mantel)     Why,  certainly. 

BERXICE.  And  this  afternoon  we'll  all  listen  to 
Mr.  Tweedle. 

ALL.     Yes — yes. 

(Exit  GERTIE  and  BERXICE  R.  u.  E.  below  stairs.) 

MARIAX.     Get  rid  of  her — (goes  up  stage  L.) 
CHARLIE.     Her — you  mean  him?     Oh,  yes — say, 

auntie,   why  don't  you  put   on  those  little   Indian 

ornaments  uncle  brought  you  from  Calcutta  ?  They'll 

please  Mr.  Tweedle. 

MRS.   B.   S.     You    dear,    good    boy.     You're    so 

thoughtful!     (aside,  going  R.)     He  didn't  kiss  me 

— probably  he  wants  to  see  me  alone. 

(Exits  R.  1  E.) 

SHAVER,  (half  out)  Have  they  all  gone? 
(CHARLIE  waves  him  back)  Who  stretched  these 
clothes?  (sees  MARIAX  and  darts  back) 


MY     FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  33 

MARIAN.     You  seem  worried 

CHARLIE,     (coming  c. — sits  in  chair  R.  c.)  No 

MARIAN.  Can't  I  help  you?  Two  heads  are 
better  than  one. 

CHARLIE.     Not  the  one  I've  got. 

MARIAN.  You've  been  drinking — I  heard  all 
about  it 

CHARLIE.  You'll  hear  more — (crash  off  L.)  I 
told  you  so 

MARIAN.  I've  heard  a  great  deal  about  you  all 
to-day,  and  I've  started  a  little  scheme  of  my  OWD:, 
which,  so  far,  is  very  successful — and  it's  all  for 
your  sake.  Won't  you  let  me  help  you? 

CHARLIE.  If  you'll  only  marry  that  and  henpeck 
him,  my  happiness  wil)  be  complete. 

MARIAN,  (rising)  Charlie!  You  wouldn't  have 
me  break  the  engagement 

CHARLIE.     No,  I  didn't  mean  that — 

MARIAN.  Leave  it  to  me — I've  started  in  to  set 
this  family  straight  and  I'll  do  it. 

(Exit  c.  door  to  L.) 

(Enter  SHAVER  in  large  clothes  and  liat,  from  door 
L.  1.) 

SHAVER.  You've  made  up  your  mind  to  end  my 
existence — look  at  me! 

CHARLIE.  I  can't  help  it — for  Heaven's  sake  get 
out  of  here  before  anyone  sees  you- 


SHAVER.     I  forgot  my  check  for  a  thousand— 

(Exit  door  L.  1  E.) 

CHARLIE.    What  have  I  done  to  deserve  this? 
(Enter  GERTIE  and  BERNICE  R.  u.  E.) 


34  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

GEETIE.  We  have  postponed  our  lessons  till  to- 
morrow. Where  is  Mr.  Tweedle?  (comes  down  B.) 

CHAELIE.  (crosses  E. — Rushes  her  off  B.  1)  He's 
dressing — Marian  wants  to  see  you;  she's  in  there. 

(Exits  GEETIE  B.  1) 

BEBNICE.  (up  c.)  Charlie — we'll  have  yellow 
gowns  made  for  us  all. 

CHAELIE.  Yes,  do — father  is  in  there  and  wants 
to  see  you  about  them  right  away. 

(Exit  BEBNICE  L.  u.  E.) 
(Enter  MAEIAN  c.  from  L.) 

MABIAN.     I  must  see  you. 

CHAELIE.  Yes;  go  in  the  sitting  room — I'll  meet 
you  there  in  two  minutes.  I  want  to  see  you  alone. 

(Exit  MAEIAN,  c.  door  to  L.) 
(Enter  MBS.  B.  S.    B.  u.  E.) 

MBS.  B.  S.     I've  got  them  all  on — where  is ? 

CHAELIE.  Waiting  for  you  in  there — (L.  u.  E.) 
wants  to  see  you  alone.  (Mss.  B.  S.  exits  L.  u.  E.) 
(Enter  SHAVEE  L.  1.  CHABLIE  rushes  him  off  c. 
to  L.)  Thank  Heaven.  (SHAVEE  returns  and 
hands  him  the  bowl) 

SHAVEE.     This  is  yours 

(Exit  SHAVEB  c.  to  L.) 

CHABLIE.  Damn  that  thing!  (throws  it.  Crash) 
Another  glass ! 

(Enter  ALL  from  exit  entrances.     TILLY  from  c. 
door  B.  EEASTUS  from  L.  1.) 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  35 


ALL.    Where  is  he? 

CHAKLIE.     Vanished ! 

EKASTUS.  With  my  thousand,  (to  TILLY)  Get 
out  of  my  way — lock  every  door — (enter  FINNERTY 
with  SHAVER  c.  door  L.)  What's  that? 

FINNERTY.    Your  idiot  son ! ! ! 

CURTAIN 


ACT  II 

SCENE: — Same  as  ACT  FIRST,  ottoman  L.  c. — Sofa 
taken  off.    Loud  crash  at  rise. 

DISCOVERED: — JENNINGS  at  door  L.  1  E.  on 
guard,  TILLY  standing  by  screen.  Mirror  in 
panel  smashed. 

TILLY,  (up  c.  picking  up  bits  of  glass)  Der 
boss  told  me  I  put  my  foot  through  dot  looking 
glass  if  I  don't  look  out —  and  I  did  it. 

JENNINGS.  Sure,  and  I've  told  you  the  same 
thing  a  dozen  times — but  you  would  do  that  German 
break-down  in  front  of  it. 

TILLY.  Der  glass  was  no  goot,  anyhow,  Mrs. 
Beekman-Streete  says  that  it  was  full  of  wrinkles. 

JENNINGS.  Mr.  Underholt  will  take  it  out  of 
your  wages. 

TILLY.  If  he  does,  I'll  break  more  as  I  can  earn 
in  two  years,  and  leave  at  once.  Say,  Jennings,  if 
I  told  der  old  man  dot  crazy  man  done  it — would 
you  swear  by  me,  eh  ? 

JENNINGS.  Sure,  I'll  do  nothing  of  the  kind — 
he's  caused  trouble  enough  now — I  want  no  more  of 
him.  But  you  can  tell  the  master  anything  you  like 
— I  was  stone  blind  when  it  happened. 


36  MY    FRIEND     FROM    INDIA. 

TILLY.  My  mother  told  me  in  Germany,  before  I 
come  by  Kansas  City,  to  keep  away  from  der  Irish, 
(c.)  But  I  make  an  exception  of  you. 

(Exit  with  glass,  door  c.  to  L.) 

JENNINGS,     (chuckling)      Begory,     she's     a 

(starting    up    L.    c. — suddenly    realizes    and    calls 
loudly)     Tell  your  mother  I  hate  the  Dutch. 

(Enter  CHARLIE  c.  door  from  R.) 

CHARLIE.     Where's  the  Governor  ? 

JENNINGS,  (down  L.)  He's  gone  to  get  yellow 
gowns  for  everyone  in  the  house. 

CHARLIE.  (L.)  Oh,  this  thing  is  getting  near  a 
climax,  and  when  I  go  up — I'll  never  come  down. 
Where  is  he  now? 

JENNINGS,  (goes  to  door  L.  1  R.)  He's  in  there. 
(listens)  Asleep — (SHAVER  groans  off  L.)  "Uneasy 
lies  the  head  that  wears  a  crown." 

CHARLIE.     We  must  get  him  out  of  here. 

JENNINGS,  (at  door)  Impossible,  sir,  your  father 
took  away  the  clothes  he  had,  and  left  me  here  on 
the  watch.  I'm  not  to  move  off  this  spot  till  he  gets 
back.  (CHARLIE  starts  up  stage  in  despair) 

(Enter  TOM  VALENTINE  c.  from  L.) 

CHARLIE.  (R.  c.)  Tom  Valentine!  And  just  in 
the  nick  of  time. 

TOM.  What?  In  a  fix  again?  (shakes  hands, 
crosses  and  sits  L.  of  table  R.) 

CHARLIE.  (R.  of  Ott.)  Fix?  That's  no  name 
for  it.  When  the  governor  gets  on  to  me,  I'll  be  a 
thing  of  the  past. 

TOM.  Well,  he  doesn't  consider  me  from  an 
angelic  standpoint,  and  that's  what  brings  me  here 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  37 

to-day.  I  love  Bernice,  but  he's  some  crazy  notion 
that  I'm  a  little  shy  on  blue  blood,  and  forbade  me 
the  house. 

CHARLIE.  Oh,  yours  is  only  a  matter  of  life — 
mine  is  a  matter  of  death,  (down  L.  of  Ott. — comes 
c.) 

TOM.  Oh,  pshaw!  Never  say  die.  (rises — goes 
R.  c.)  It's  not  a  bit  club-like — look  at  me — your 
father  is  a  ferocious  chap,  twice  my  weight — he  owns 
this  house — has  a  first  mortgage  on  the  lady  in 
question — but  in  spite  of  all  that,  I  am  here  ready  to 
do  battle — prepared  to  face  him — and  if  need  be, 
tell  him  exactly  what  I  think — of 

ERASTUS.     (outside)     Don't  let  him  escape. 

TOM.  (gets  under  table  R. — CHARLIE  sits  R.  of 
table)  I'll  tell  him  what  I  think  some  other  time. 

(Enter  ERASTUS  with  bundle  of  yellow  gowns  and 
•   newspaper,  door  c.  from  L.) 

ERASTUS.  If  he  makes  an  attempt  to  escape,  I'll 
show  no  quarter,  (to  JENNINGS)  Is  he  safe? 

JENNINGS.     Yes,  sir. 

ERASTUS.  Good !  Watch  the  front  door — I'll  keep 
tabs  on  him  here  myself. 

JENNINGS.  Yes,  sir.  (rises,  and  going  up  c. 
ERASTUS  listens  at  door  L.) 

TOM.  (under  table,  aside)  He  must  have  seen 
me  come  in. 

JENNINGS,  (aside)  I'll  lose  my  place,  I  know  it 
• — and  all  through  the  Light  of  Asia ! 

(Exit  c.  to  L.— CHARLIE  comes  down  c.) 

ERASTUS.  Ah,  my  boy,  we're  fixed  at  last,  (shows 
paper  to  CHARLIE)  See  that  in  every  paper  in  the 
United  States — it  cost  money,  but  I'm  a  boomer 
when  I  start  in.  (opens  bundle  of  gowns — leaves 
them  on  Ott.) 


38  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

CHARLIE.  (R.  c. — reads)  "Theosophy's  Cham- 
pion— arrival  in  New  York  of  James  Tweedle,  the 
advanced  Theosophist."  (CHARLIE  hits  him  with 
newspaper) 

ERASTUS.  That's  right;  I  advanced  him  a  thou- 
sand. 

TOM.  (under  table)  Get  him  out  of  here  till  I 
make  my  escape. 

ERASTUS.  And  here  are  yellow  gowns  for  all  of 
us — this  one  with  the  frogs  is  for  Tweedle — (starts 

L.) 

CHARLIE,     (restraining  him)     Don't    wake    him, 
Dad — you  may  break  his  thread. 
ERASTUS.     His  what  ? 
CHARLIE.     His  thread. 
ERASTUS.     Oh!    I  thought  you  said  his  head. 

(CHARLIE  goes  R.  near  table.) 

TOM.  (ERASTUS  goes  to  door  L.  1  E.  listens  a 
second  then  starts  up  L.  c.  Same  bus.)  If  he  does, 
I'll  have  cramps. 

CHARLIE,  (to  TOM)  How  am  I  going  to  get  out 
of  this? 

TOM.     (same  bus.)    You?    How  am  I? 

ERASTUS.  (at  screen)  Ah — more  of  your  work, 
I  suppose. 

CHARLIE.     What,  father? 

ERASTUS.     Why,  that  mirror  in  the  screen  there — 

CHARLIE.     Why,  I  had  nothing  to  do  with  the 

ERASTUS.    Now,  don't 

(TILLY  enters  c.  from  L.) 

TILLY.     No,  Mr.  Underholt,  I 

ERASTUS.    Will  you  get  out? 

(Exit  TILLY  c.  to  L.) 
CHARLIE.    What  ? 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  39 

ERASTUS.  (up  c.)  What?  Why,  this  mirror 
panel  in  the  screen 

CHABLIE.     (R.)     Why,  I 

EKASTUS.  (coming  down  R.  c.)  Now,  don't  lie 
about  it.  Fm  not  going  to  kick — my  son,  I'm  proud 
of  yOU — yOU  have  redeemed  yourself — I  forgive 
everything  of  the  past — I  paid  for  the  broken  window 
and  I'll  order  a  new  mirror — at  last  we  are  going  to 
enter  the  portals  of  Society,  and  all  through  you — 
I'll  give  you  a  check  for  a  thousand  to-morrow — 
just  to  show  my  appreciation,  (goes  to  OH.) 

CHARLIE.     Fd  give  ten  to  read  Tweedle's  obituary. 

ERASTUS.  Here's  your  gown.  ( gives  gown) 
I'll  take  these  to  the  girls— the  girls !  Think  of  the 
position  they'll  gain  and  the  marriages  they'll  con- 
tract— the  upper  four  hundred — By  the  way,  what 
has  become  of  that  scoundrel,  Tom  Valentine? 

CHARLIE,  (leaning  on  table  R.)  Oh — he's  under 
the  tab — (Ton  pushes  his  leg — he  falls) 

ERASTUS.  If  I  ever  catch  him  in  this  house  again 
— well,  there'll  only  be  me  left. 

(Exit  R.  u.  E.  below  stairs.) 

CHARLIE.  Why  didn't  you  tell  him  what  you 
thought  ? 

TOM.  I  changed  my  mind.  (CHARLIE  rises — 
TOM  starts  to  rise) 

ERASTUS.     (outside)     Here's  the  gowns,  girls. 

TOM.     Another  relapse — (gets  under  table) 

CHARLIE,     (runs  up  c.)    It's  all  right,  Tom. 

TOM.     (comes  out)     Say,  what  is  all  this  about? 

CHARLIE,  (down  R.  of  Ott.)  Well,  last  night 
I  was — one  of  those  corkers — (motion  drinking} 
You  know — and  I  brought  a  fellow  home  with  me 
— as  a  sort  of  squarer  for  the  governor,  I  told  him 
he  was  a  Theosophist,  and  he's  up  and  hired  him  to 
stay  here  as  a  sort  of  permanent  fad 


40  MY     FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

TOM.  (R.  near  table)  That's  a  good  one  on  the 
old  man — (laughs) 

CHARLIE.  Old  man !  It's  on  me — you  may  think 
it's  funny,  but  I  can't  see  where  the  joke  comes  in. 

TOM.     Why  don't  you  get  him  out? 

CHARLIE.  How  can  I?  All  the  doors  are 
guarded — besides,  he's  got  no  clothes. 

TOM.  Then  he  was  speaking  of  him,  eh?  and  I, 
under  that  table  with  heart  failure,  thinking  he 
alluded  to  me. 

CHARLIE.  Will  you  kindly  let  that  paltry  affair 
of  yours  drop  for  a  moment  and  think  of  mine? 

TOM.  I'll  go  to  the  old  man  and  tell — (starts 
to  go  c.) 

CHARLIE,  (intercepts  him — frightened)  You'll 
do  nothing  of  the  kind — don't  mention  it  to  a  single 
soul — our  only  hope  is  to  get  him  out.  (sees 
BERNICE  R.  u.  E.) 

BERNICE.     (outside)     Tilly— Tilly— 

CHARLIE.  Bernice — not  a  word  to  her — I'll  go  in 
and  see  if  I  can  get  him  out  without  murder. 

(Exit  door  L.  1  E.) 

TOM.  (following  him  L.)  Don't  leave  me  alone — 
I  don't  want  to  see  him  again. 

(Enter  BERNICE  R.  u.  E.  below  stairs  with  yellow 
robe  on.) 

BERNICE.  Tom  Valentine!  (comes  down  R.  of 
Ott.) 

TOM.  Yes;  come  to  beard  the  lion  in  his  den — 
but  what  is  this?  (goes  L.  c.) 

BERNICE.  We  have  all  joined  the  Order  of  the 
Yellow  Robe — our  disciple  is  now  in  his  daily  trance. 

TOM.  (aside)  If  Charlie  had  his  way,  he'd  be  in 
his  grave. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  41 

BERN-ICE.    Have  you  seen  papa  ? 

TOM.  Don't  mention  that  name  so  suddenly. 
Yes,  I've  seen  him — but  he  didn't  see  me.  I  didn't 
come  here  to  see  him — there's  another  I  want  to 
see — you. 

BEBNICE.  (sits  R.  side  Ott.)  Now,  papa,  is  the 
best  judge  of  these  matters.  Of  course,  when  we 
first  came  from  Kansas  City,  you  were  all  very 
well — but  I'm  the  daughter  of  a  millionaire,  and  as 
we  expect  to  enter  the  fold  of  the  four  hundred, 
you're  not  exactly  as  brilliant  a  match  as  I  should 
make.  Come — be  sensible;  let's  forget  and  be  good 
friends,  (offers  hand)  I'll  be  a  sister  to  you! 

TOM.     (L.  c.)    No,  thanks,  I  have  two  of  my  own. 

BERNICE.    That's  just  like  a  man. 

TOM.  And  exactly  like  a  woman — but  it's  a 
bargain.  (Sits  and  takes  her  hand)  You'll  marry 
and  I'll  marry,  but  we'll  remain  the  best  of  friends. 

(Enters  GERTIE  with  yellow  robe  on  R.  u.  E.  below 
stairs.) 

GERTIE.     Tom  Valentine! 

TOM.  (rises,  goes  L.  c. — BERNICE  goes  R.)  Same 
old  Tom. 

GERTIE,  (down  R.  of  Ott.)  You  know  what  Pop 
said — (imitates  kick}  But  I  like  you  all  the  more 
for  having  nerve  enough  to  tell  him  you  were  big 
enough  to  play  your  own  cards.  Has  he  seen  you  ? 

TOM.  Seen  me?  No;  if  he  had,  he'd  have  raised 
me. 

(Enter  MARIAN  c.  door  from  L.) 

MARIAN.  I  trust  I  haven't  kept  you  waiting—- 
but I  really  had  so  many  calls  to  make  I  could  not 
possibly  arrive  sooner. 

BERNICE.  (R.  c. — GERTIE  at  piano — introducing) 
Miss  Hayste — Mr.  Valentine,  (bow) 


42  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

MARIAN,  (back  of  Ott. — to  BEENICE)  I  thought 
I  saw  you  from  my  carriage  window,  going  into 
Altaian's 

BEBNICE.  Shopping — I  bought  the  loveliest  walk- 
ing gown  you  ever  saw — (description  to  be  given) 
There  were  only  two  of  them  imported  to  this 
country.  (MARIAN  goes  L.  and  joins  TOM.  TOM 
and  MARIAN  talk  apart.  Enter  MRS.  B.  S.,  c.  door 
L.  c.) 

MRS.  B.  S.  (up  c.)  Oh,  girls,  listen!  How'd 
do,  how'd  do — Why,  Tom  Valentine,  how  do  you  do  ? 
I've  been  shopping  and  bought  the  most  beautiful 
dress — (description  to  be  given,  identical  with  that 
of  BERNICE)  There  are  only  two  like  it  in  this 
country. 

(Exit  c.  to  R.  up  stairs.) 

GERTIE.     She's  got  the  other,     (ring  bell) 
BERNICE.     Was   anything  ever   more  provoking? 
I  won't  wear  it.     (Enter  TILLY  c.  door  from  L.) 
Tilly,  when  a  package  arrives  from  Atlman's  for  me, 
send  it  back  at  once. 

TILLY.     She  was  pooty  mad  already. 

(Exit  c.  door  to  L.) 

BERNICE.  (up  R.  c. — aside)  To  think  of  all  the 
women  in  New  York,  she  should  get  that  other  dress ! 
(goes  up  R.  c.  and  sits  dejectedly  chair  L.  of  arch) 

MARIAN,  (c.  crosses  R.)  Mr.  Valentine  has  just 
been  telling  me  of  a  friend  of  his  who  has  a  broken 
heart. 

GERTIE.     (R.)    Man  or  woman? 

TOM.    A  woman's  heart  never  breaks. 

GERTIE,  (at  table  R. — sighs)  I'm  glad  I'm  a 
woman. 

MARIAN,  (near  GERTIE  at  her  L. — to  TOM)  Are 
you  sure? 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  43 

TOM.  (looking  at  BERNICE — who  is  up  L.  c.) 
I  think  so,  now.  But  I  hope  I'm  mistaken,  (goes 
L.  a  step) 

MARIAN,     (feelingly)     You  are. 

BERNICE.  (rises  up  c. — aside)  He's  flirting  with 
her.  (up  c.) 

GERTIE,  (crosses  to  door  L. — TOM  goes  bade  of 
Ott.)  I  wonder  if  Mr.  Tweedle  has  come  to — 
why,  he's  talking  with  Charlie!  (listens,  aside, 
and  sneaking  away)  They're  swearing ! 

MARIAN,  (crossing  to  table  R.)  Oh,  you  will 
think  better  of  women  some  day.  Perhaps  your 
friend  was  a  little  to  blame,  himself. 

BERNICE.  (coming  down  R.  of  TOM — to  TOM) 
There's  no  necessity  for  carrying  on  our  love  affairs 
right  before  each  other's  eyes,  (crosses  to  MARIAN 
R.) 

TOM.  (aside)  Jealous !  That's  a  good  beginning 
(goes  up  rather  jubilant) 

MARIAN.  I'm  so  glad  Mr.  Tweedle  has  made  his 
home  with  you,  and  I  know  society  will  welcome 
you  with  open  arms — if  you'll  get  me  a  slip  of  paper, 
I'll  write  you  a  list  of  all  my  acquaintances,  (aside) 
whom  I  don't  know. 

BERNICE.  Come  to  my  room — we'll  write  it  there. 
(they  start  up  R.) 

MARIAN,  (to  Tom)  Mr.  Valentine,  don't  judge 
all  women  by  one  standard. 

TOM.     Indeed  I  don't — there  are  others. 

MARIAN,  (to  BERNICE)  I  like  your  friend  so 
much. 

BERNICE.  Friend?  Oh,  yes,  we  are  the  best  of 
friends. 

(Exit  BERNICE  and  MARIAN  R.  u.  E.  upstairs.) 

GERTIE.  I'm  going,  too — you'll  excuse  me,  but 
this  is  business;  we've  got  a  fad,  and  we're  going  to 


44  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

work  it  for  it's  worth.     And  I  don't  mind  telling 
you,  I'm  sort  of  stuck  on  the  fad,  myself. 

TOM.  (up  c.)  So  that's  the  lay  of  the  land,  eh? 
Charlie  has  put  his  foot  in  it.  By  Jove !  An  idea ! 
If  I  should  succeed  in  straightening  the  thing  out, 
I  might  melt  the  old  man's  marble  heart.  I'll  put 
on  my  thinking  cap,  anyway. 

(Enter  CHARLIE  door  L.) 

CHARLIE,  (talking  to  SHAVER)  I'll  get  something 
for  you. 

SHAVER.    You  can't  be  too  quick. 

ERASTUS.     (outside  R.  u.  E.)  Get  out  of  my  way. 

TOM.  (rushing  up  c.)  The  old  man — I  don't 
want  to  see  him  yet — I'm  on  to  the  game,  and  I'll 
help  you  out,  and  with  one  stone  kill  two  birds. 

(Exit  c.  door  to  L.) 
CHARLIE.     I'm  both  birds. 
(Enter  ERASTUS  R.  u.  E.  below  stairs,  with  robe.) 

ERASTUS.  (comes  down  R.  c.)  Good  idea,  eh, 
CHARLIE?  Sort  of  Li  Hung  Chang  effect.  When 
we  give  our  reception  we'll  all  wear  'em.  I  told  you 
we'd  get  in,  and  by  Jingo!  we  will — Is  he  safe? 
(going  L.  u.  E.) 

CHARLIE.  (R.  c. — aside)  I  hope  he's  dead !  (sits 
hopelessly  at  piano,  elbows  on  key — head  in  hands) 

ERASTUS.     Hey,  Tweedle! 

SHAVER,  (in  room -L.)     Who  calls  so  loud  ? 

ERASTUS.  Here's  your  new  robe,  (gives  it) 
All  New  York  will  worship  at  the  Shrine — and  I'm 
the  shrine! 

(Enter  JENNINGS  c.  door  from  L.) 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  45 

JENNINGS.  The  papers  are  all  ringing  us  up  on 
the  telephone — they  all  want  to  know  when  a  re- 
porter can  interview  Mr.  Tweedle. 

ERASTUS.  (L.  Tell  them  he  has  nothing  to  say. 
Mark !  I'm  running  this  campaign !  We  are  on  the 
verge  of  society 

(Exit  JENNINGS  c.  to  L. — followed  by  ERASTUS.) 

CHARLIE.  Verge — I'm  down  the  precipice, 
mangled  to  pieces. 

(Enter  SHAVER  with  robe  L.  u.  E.) 

SHAVER.'    Does  this  set  right  in  the  neck? 

CHARLIE,  (seated  at  piano)  Yes — right  in  the 
neck.  Say,  what  are  you  going  to  do  about  this  re- 
ception ? 

SHAVER,  (coming  c.)  I'm  in  the  hands  of  my 
friends. 

CHARLIE,  (rises,  crosses  R.  c.  fiercely)  Friends, 
eh? — You've  got  to  get  out  of  here. 

SHAVER.   (L.  c.)     Then  "Lead,  Kindly  Light." 

CHARLIE.     Will  you  look  at  this  thing  seriously? 

SHAVER,  (sits  on  ottoman  nonchalantly)  I  have 

1  have  calmly  thought  it  all  over.  I  wanted  to 

home,  but  you  purloined  my  wardrobe,  I  think 
tell  the  old 

CHARLIE,  (crosses  to  him)  No — no.  That  would 
be  my  finish — you  must  escape  ! 

SHAVER.  I'm  sick  and  tired  of  your  ethereal 
propositions.  I  am  here  ready  to  go — but  you  must 
provide  the  way. 

(Enter  GERTIE  R.  u.  E.  from  below  stairs.} 

GERTIE.  (CHARLIE  goes  up  c.  in  fit  of  despera- 
tion) You  have  recovered  from  your  trance? 
(down  R.  c.  to  c.) 


46  M¥     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 

SHAVER,     (rises)     Yes,  but  I  expect  another. 

GERTIE.     Were  you  in  a  far-off  world? 

SHAVER.  No  such  luck.  That  is,  no  such  lucky 
circumstances.  I  was  painfully  in  this  world,  with 
your  brother. 

GERTIE.     Do  you  like  my  robe? 

SHAVER.     Beautiful ! 

GERTIE.     It's  a  trifle  full 

SHAVER,     (sits  c.)     I  wish  I  was. 

GERTIE.     I'll  have  it  taken  in. 

SHAVER.  Don't  say  that — when  you  say  "taken 
in,"  you  touch  a  sympathetic  chord. 

CHARLIE.     Amen  with  all  my  heart. 

(Enter  BERNICE  R.  u.  E.  downstairs.) 

BERNICE.  (GERTIE  crosses  R.  from  CHARLES,  up 
R.  u.  to  piano)  Mr.  Tweedle,  Prince  may  I  call  you 
Prince?  (comes  L.  of  Otto.) 

SHAVER.     Why,  that's  a  dog's  name. 

BERNICE.  How  droll  you  are — But  may  I  call  you 
Prince  ? 

SHAVER,   (in  front  of  sofa  L.  Crosses  L.)     Yes 

footprints. 

BERNICE.  What  an  exalted  state  your  mind  must 
be  in.  You  can  commune  with  spirits. 

SHAVER.  Not  half  as  well  as  your  brother — 
(CHARLIE  groans — enter  MRS.  B.  S. — R.  u.  E.  down 
stairs  with  MARIAN  in  Yellow  Robes) 

MRS.  B.  S.  (to  MARIAN)  Yes,  it's  the  costliest 
gown  I  have  seen  in  any  of  the  shops,  (to  ALL) 
They  said  they  had  another  just  like  it.  I'm  sorry 
one  of  the  girls  didn't  get  it!  (comes  L.  c.) 

BERNICE.  (crosses  to  R.)  Mr.  Tweedle,  have  you 
been  with  your  affinity  since  last  we  saw  you  ? 

SHAVER.  Yes,  we  had  a  few  drinks — that  is, 
draughts  at  the  fountain  of  knowledge — (aside) 
This  is  getting  absolutely  monotonous. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  47 

(Enter  ERASTUS  c.  from  L.  with  papers  and  yellow 
books.  Enter  TILLY  from  L.  TILLY  comes 
down  c.  with  ERASTUS.) 

ERASTUS.    Ah,  ha!    We've  got  'em  now,  girls. 

GERTIE.    Who,  papa  ? 

ERASTUS.  Who?  Society,  of  course.  What  are 
we  here  for?  (lays  boohs  on  table,  handing  each 
a  paper;  retains  one)  Look  at  this — and  this — and 
this.  Didn't  I  tell  you  if  ever  I  had  a  chance  to 
apply  business  principles  to  this  thing,  I'd  fetch  'em  ? 
Read  them  big  headlines.  In  big  letters  on  the  first 
page,  too.  (ERASTUS  chases  TILLY  up  stage — exits 
TILLY  c.  to  L.  ERASTUS  comes  down  L.) 

MARIAN,  (reads)  The  only  American  who  ever 
attained  Nirvana. 

ERASTUS.  (MRS.  B.  S.  just  lack  of  Ott. — patting 
SHAVER  on  shoulder)  What  do  you  think  of  that, 
my  boy? 

SHAVER.  (L.  CHARLIE  goes  up  c.  then  drops  down 
L. — aside — )  Five  years  at  hard  labor,  at  least. 

ERASTUS.     Go  on,  go  on. 

MARIAN.  (R.  reads)  Will  he  become  a  social 
lion? 

ERASTUS.  Ah,  there  it  is !  Will  he  become  a  social 
lion.  That's  the  kernel  of  the  whole  thing — will  he 
become  a  social  lion  ? 

SHAVER,  (aside — waitingly)  A  lamb — a  lamb  to 
the  slaughter — that's  what  I'll  be. 

MRS.  B.  S.  (back  of  Ott.)  How  did  the  news- 
papers get  it,  ERASTUS  ? 

ERASTUS.     They  were  glad  to  get  it — jumped  at  it. 

BERNICE.  (R. — crosses  L.  of  MARIAN)     But  why? 

ERASTUS.  Why?  Because  he  was  a  Christian 
minister,  of  course,  and  renounced  his  religion 

OMNES.    A  minister? 

ERASTUS.  (crosses  to  girls — CHARLIE  comes  down 
to  L.  of  SHAVER)  Y — e — es!  Didn't  you  know 


48  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

that?  (seizing  a  paper)  Look  at  this— here — that 
little  item  dated  from  Boston  under  the  big  item 
there.  It's  in  all  the  papers — came  by  Associated 
Press. 

SHAVER,  (crossing  to  CHARLIE,  Icicks  and  nudges 
him  with  his  elbows)  Why  didn't  you  tell  me  I  was 
a  minister? 

CHARLIE.  (L.  of  SHAVER)  How  the  deuce  did  I 
know?  It  wasn't  so  in  the  passenger  list. 

SHAVER.  You  might  have  known  I  was  something 
out  of  the  common  when  it  said  Boston. 

BERNICE.  (reads)  The  Eeverend  James  Tweedle 
is  well  known  here 

MRS.  B.  S.  (reads)  His  friends  who  were  seen  I 
expressed  the  greatest  surprise. 

MARIAN,  (reads)  When  told  of  his  renunciation 
of  Christianity 

GERTIE,   (reads)     And  espousal  of  Buddhism 

BERNICE.  But  how  is  this  to  secure  us  social 
recognition,  papa? 

MRS.  B.  S.     I've  a  curiosity 

ERASTUS.  (R.  c.)  There  it  is — that's  the  word. 
"Curiosity" — especially  woman's  curiosity — properly 
directed  by  business  talk  will  accomplish  more  than 
all  the  perseverance  or  all  the  money  in  the  world. 
I  tell  you  when  it  comes  down  to  a  matter  of  strictly 
business,  ERASTUS  Underholt  can  backfire  the  whole 
lot  of  them.  Don't  you  see  how  it  will  be  when  we 
excite  curiosit-e-e  ?  Everybody  will  want  to  see,  what 
nobody  is  permitted  to  see,  and  they  will  flee,  to  our 
soir-e-e,  and  we  will  be  select  you  see,  and  only  admit 
lay  Grande  Mond-e-e,  which  is  French  for  the  very 
first  qualit-e-e,  and  the  others  will  rejected  be ! 
(laughing)  Ha,  ha,  ha!  Didn't  know  your  old 
Dad  was  a  poet,  did  ye  ? 

MARIAN.  Eeally,  Mr.  Underholt,  I  must  compli- 
ment you. 

ERASTUS.     Think  it'll  fetch  'em,  eh? 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  49 

MAKIAN.  Oh,  it  is  too  positively  fetching  for  any 
use — perfect ! 

ERASTUS.  There's  the  opinion  of  a  real  society 
lady,  girls. 

MARIAN.     But  the  greatest  finesse  is  necessary. 

ERASTUS.     There's  the  word — finesse! 

BERNICE.     We  must  be  in  to  no  one. 

MRS.  B.  S.  (L.  of  ERASTUS)  We  must  observe 
the  greatest  secrecy. 

OMNES.     Oh,  of  course. 

MARIAN,  (crosses  to  him)  Ah!  here  is  a  list  I 
have  prepared,  containing — (offering  paper)  the 
names  of  the  twenty  representative  families  of  New 
York. 

ERASTUS.  That's  the  stuff!  (reading)  "Van 
Allston  De  Peyster" — Ah,  now  we  have  it — I'll  have 
invitations  sent  to  all  of  them  for  the  reception  this 
very  day.  (MRS.  B.  S.  goes  up  L.  of  Ott.) 

SHAVER,  (aside)  I'll  make  a  last  appeal.  I  must 
get  out  of  here.  (Aloud,  to  ERASTUS)  Ah,  you 
have  made  a  terrible  mistake. 

OMNES.     Mistake!     (ERASTUS  crosses  to  c.) 

CHARLIE,  (extreme  L.)     Yes,  father 

SHAVER.  (L.  in  front  of  sofa)  Yes — I  never  was 
a  Christian  minister  in  my  life. 

OMNES.     Not  a  minister ! 

SHAVER.  No,  I'm  not!  (CHARLIE  goes  up  L.) 
The  newspapers  have  got  me  mixed  up  with  an  uncle 
of  mine  of  the  same  name. 

ERASTUS.  Oh,  your  uncle  is  able  to  look  out  for 
himself.  (MRS.  B.  S.  joins  CHARLIE  up  L.) 

OMNES.    Why  yes,  etc.  etc. 

SHAVER.  You  cannot  appreciate  how  all  this  noise 
and  excitement  jars  upon  a  sensitive  soul  like  mine. 

OMNES.     (sympathetically)     0-h-h-h ! 

SHAVER.  It  shocks  me — that's  what  it  does — it 
shocks  me  dreadfully!  (CHARLIE — Icicles  SHAVER 
with  knee) 


50  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

BEBNICE.  (sighs)  Ah,  I  know  his  feelings  per- 
fectly. 

MABIAN.  (sighs)  Yes,  and  I.  (converse  with 
BEBNICE) 

GEETIE.   (extreme  B.)     Me,  too! 

SHAVEE.  (L.  c.)  I  beg  you  to  allow  me  to  with- 
draw. 

EEASTUS.  (c.)  Withdraw!  After  all  the  money 
I've  spent  on  this  thing,  and  just  when  I've  worked 
it  up  to  a  success  ?  No,  sir !  I  won't  hear  of  it.  I 
hold  you  to  your  contract,  (crosses  to  him — patting 
him  on  the  back)  You  brace  up,  my  boy.  I  tell  you 
your  fortune  and  reputation's  made ;  you  stick  to  me, 
an'  I'll  make  a  lion  of  you.  (BEBNICE  goes  up  c. — 
Comes — down  L.  of  SHAVEE — going  up — at  door 
K.  u.  E.) 

SHAVEE.  (aside)  I've  been  a-lyin'  now  for  two 
days,  and  I've  had  enough  of  it. 

EBASTUS.  (at  door  E.  u. — aside)  Say,  GEETIE — 
that  feller's  a  chicken,  he'd  get  away  if  he  could. 
Well,  I'll  see  that  he  don't. 

(Exit  E.  u.  E.  below  stairs.) 

BEENICE.  (entreatingly)  Do  not  think  of  leaving 
us,  Mr.  Tweedle. 

MES.  B.  S.  Erastus  is  a  little  thoughtless  at  times, 
but  he  means  well. 

GEETIE.  (half  tearfully)  Just  when  I  was  becom- 
ing so  interested,  too — it's  real  mean  of  you — there ! 

MABIAN.  I  think  you  are  really  to  be  envied,  Mr. 
Tweedle.  There  are  many  who  have  gone  through  a 
divorce  court  or  breach  of  promise  case  without  gain- 
ing half  the  notoriety  you  have  had. 

SHAVEE.  (aside)  I'm  just  starting — give  me  a 
chance. 

BEBNICE.  (appealingly)  Say  that  you  have  recon- 
sidered, Mr.  Tweedle,  and  will  stay. 


MY     FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  51 

GEETIE.  (crosses  to  him — lays  hand  on  his  arm, 
appealingly)  Yes,  do,  for  my  sake. 

MRS.  B.  S.  (coming  down  on  his  L. — reprovingly) 
Gertrude — I  trust  Mr.  Tweedle  will  remain  for  all 
our  sakes. 

MARIAN.     Consider  the  fame  it  will  bring  you. 

BERNICE.     And  the  fortune. 

GERTIE.  Yes,  and  the  converts  you  will  make — 
here  are  four,  and  papa  makes  five,  and  perhaps 
Charlie 

CHARLIE,  (tartly)  Oh,  never  mind  Charlie! 
(goes  L.) 

SHAVER,  (fervidly)  How  can  I  resist  your  plead- 
ings, ladies?  I  love  you  all  so  much. 

OMNES.     Ah-h-h !     (girls  go  R.  a  couple  of  steps) 

SHAVER,  (follows  them)  With  the  broad,  com- 
prehensive, brotherly  love.  Are  you  all  in?  (puts 
arms  around  them  all) 

OMNES.  (emphatically)     Oh! 

SHAVER.  That  I  couldn't  leave  you  if  I  would — 
and  I  wouldn't  if  I  could. 

OMNES.  (embracing  SHAVER)     You.  are  so  good. 

(Enter  TILLY  c.  takes  yellow  scarf  off  of  screen  and 
comes  down  stage  L.  of  Ott.) 

SHAVER,  (aside)  Leave  here!  Well,  I  guess 
not! 

OMNES.     But  what  are  these  for? 

SHAVER.  Copies  of  the  "Light  of  Asia?"  We'll 
adjourn  to  the  parlor  and  I  will  set  each  of  you  a 
lesson  to  learn  from  our  beautiful  philosophy. 
(SHAVER  and  LADIES  exit  R.  u.  E. — CHARLIE  hits 
TILLY  with  pillow — he  takes  from  armchair  at 
mantlepiece — exit  TILLY  c.  to  L.) 

CHARLIE.  What  the  devil  am  I  to  do?  (sits  de- 
jectedly on  Ott.)  He  positively  doesn't  know  enough 
philosophy  to  last  him  thirty  seconds — and  here  the 
Governor  has  advertised  him  like  a  circus.  Oh,  I 


52  MY    FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 

wish  Tom  were  here,  (groans)  I  must  have  advice 
— and  he  could  help  me — I  have  it!  I  played  a 
minister  at  college  last  year — I  have  the  clothes — 
I'll  be  the  real  JAMES  TWEEDLE  and  drive  this  fellow 
out. 

(Exit  L.  1  enter  TWEEDLE  c.  from  L.) 

TWEEDLE.  Am  I  to  find  nobody  about  this  house 
at  all  ?  I  shall  stay  here  until  I've  seen  and  had  an 
explanation  from  this  impostor,  who  has  assumed  my 
name — that  I  am  determined  upon,  (comes  down 
front  of  sofa  L.) 

(Enter  SHAVER  R.  u.  E.) 

SHAVER.  I've  read  of  soft  easy  snaps,  (turns  and 
looks  toward  R.  u.  E.)  but  I  never  thought  I'd  fall 
into  anything  like  this.  If  there  is  any  such  thing 
as  Nirvana,  I've  got  it  now.  (sees  TWEEDLE)  But 
it's  gone,  (comes  down  R.  of  Ott. — to  TWEEDLE) 
May  I  ask  who  you  are? 

JAS.  TWEEDLE.    I  am  the  Reverend  James  Tweedle. 

SHAVER.     Sit  down,  Mr.  Tweedle,  sit  down. 

TWEEDLE.  I  am  in  no  humor  for  sitting,  sir — 
not  to  put  too  fine  a  point  upon  it,  I  am  mad,  sir, 
mad  as  a  hen  on  a  hot  griddle. 

SHAVER,  (assumed  nonchalance)  I  can  under- 
stand that  a  hen  would  not  care  to  set  under  those 
circumstances. 

TWEEDLE.  I  am  glad  that  you  perceive  the  gravity 
of  the  situation. 

SHAVER.  Yes,  indeed,  sir.  Any  true  disciple  of 
Gautama  would  be  grieved  indeed  to  see  a  hen  upon 
a  hot  griddle. 

TWEEDLE.     But  all  this  is  beside  the  question. 

SHAVER.     You  introduced  the  hen — I  didn't. 

TWEEDLE.  (taking  paper  from  pocket)  Perhaps 
you  will  enlighten  me  concerning  this  item  in  the 
newspaper  this  morning. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  53 

SHAVEK.     Concerning  me? 

TWEEDLE.  No,  sir,  concerning  me.  I  am  James 
Tweedle,  of  Boston. 

SHAVER.     So  am  I. 

TWEEDLE.  I  am  the  James  Tweedle  who  arrived 
on  the  New  York. 

SHAVER.     So  am  I. 

TWEEDLE.     Impossible,  sir. 

SHAVER.  Why,  impossible?  There  are  other 
Tweedles.  Tweedle  is  not  an  uncommon  name.  Now, 
your  brother's  name  would  be  Tweedle. 

TWEEDLE.  True,  my  brother  John  went  to  St. 
Louis  many  years  ago. 

SHAVER,  (aside)  I'll  take  a  chance  with  Brother 
John,  (aloud)  My  father's  name  is  John,  and  he 
lives  in  St.  Louis. 

TWEEDLE.  But  my  brother  died  there  twenty 
years  ago. 

SHAVER.  Ah !  (sentimentally)  You  call  it  death, 
but  we — we  like  to  think  of  them  as  amongst  us 
always.  The  dewdrop  slips  into  the  shining  sea. 
My  father  slipped  into  the  river  when  I  was  but  a 
year  old. 

TWEEDLE.  But,  I  tell  you,  my  brother  was  never 
married. 

SHAVER,  (affecting  a  cry)  Don't  say  that — it  is 
true,  my  father's  marriage  was  a  secret  one — but  it 
was  all  right,  Uncle ! 

TWEEDLE.    Uncle ! 

SHAVER.  Oh,  I  am  sure  you  are  my  uncle.  The 
circumstances  are  too  remarkable  to  be  accidental. 
But  what  brings  you  here  ? 

TWEEDLE.  I  have  severed  my  connection  with 
the  ministry,  and  my  business  in  this  country  is  the 
organization  of  a  joint-stock  company  for  the  cultiva- 
tion of  the  Kola  nut  on  a  gigantic  scale. 

SHAVER,  (aside)  If  they  see  him  here,  I'll  be  a 
Theosophic  corpse,  not  that  way — (aloud)  Step  in 


54  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

here,  (crosses  L.  to  door)  And  we'll  talk  it  over, 
Uncle.  Quite  a  rough  trip  we  had. 

TWEEDLE.  "We !"  You  were  not  on  the  boat, 
sir. 

SHAVER.  Well,  you  see,  I  was  broke,  and  had  to 
come  over  steerage — step  in  here  and  I  will  tell  you 
the  story  of  my  life — (aside)  and  probable  death! 

(Exit  door  L.  SHAVER  and  TWEEDLE.     Enter  TOM  c. 
from  L.  with  satchel  and  hat  box  and  newspaper.) 

TOM.  I  have  a  plan  now  that  can't  fail,  (reads) 
The  friends  of  the  Reverend  James  Tweedle  were 
surprised  to  learn  he  had  left  the  ministry — I  played 
a  minister  at  college  two  years  ago  and  had  sense 
enough  to  keep  all  the  clothes.  I  have  them  here 
and  I'll  step. into  this  room — (R.)  and  put  them  on. 
And  when  I  have  forced  this  impostor  to  a  full  con- 
fession, I'll  make  myself  known  to  Underholt  and 
claim  my  reward. 

(Exit  R.  1.  SHAVER  enters  from  door  L.  1  E.  fol- 
lowed by  TWEEDLE  pushes  TWEEDLE  back  and 
locks  door.) 

SHAVER,  (aside)  If  Underholt  sees  him — I'll  go 
to  a  dungeon  cell.  (Enter  TILLY  with  box)  Ah, 
fair  Teuton,  what  is  it  you  bear?  (c.  from  R.  she 
starts  R.  u.  E.) 

TILLY.  Dot?  Dot's  a  dress  for  Mrs.  Beekman- 
Streete.  (comes  down  L.  of  Ott.)  Say,  I  tole  you 
somedings,  if  you  don't  tell  no  one.  Dey  both  buy 
de  same  kind  of  dresses  and  Miss  Bernice  got  so  mad 
dat  de  old  hen  got  some  like  hers,  dat  she  tole  me 
to  send  it  back  alretty. 

SHAVER.  A  light  "breaks  in!  I  will  have  to  jolly 
this  girl  and  get  that  dress.  Tilly,  did  you  ever 
love? 

TILLY.     Nein. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  55 

SHAVER.  Nine!  That's  bigamy.  But  that  mat- 
ters not.  I'm  ten — love  me. 

TILLY.     For  what  yet  ? 

SHAVER.  I  need  a  woman's  love — and  a  suit  of 
clothes!  If  I  can't  get  a  suit,  I'll  take  a  dress. 
When  Miss  Bernice's  dress  arrives,  instead  of  sending 
it  back,  fetch  it  to  me,  and  I'll  give  you  two  dollars. 

TILLY.  You  give  me  two  dollars  for  dat  dress, 
and  maybe  I  get  put  by  der  jail  in,  I  guess  nit ! 

SHAVER.  No,  I'll  pay  for  it.  (kisses  her)  And 
give  you  two  dollars  besides.  That  seals  the  bargain. 
That  in  itself  is  worth  fifty  cents. 

TILLY.  Give  me  four  more  kisses,  and  keep  the 
two  dollars. 

SHAVER.  That  were  improvident — there  is  one — 
(kisses  her)  You  have  three  still  in  bank  for  a 
rainy  day — and  I  hope  we  will  have  pleasant  weather. 

TILLY.  I  took  dis  up  by  Mrs.  Beekman-Streete, 
and  den  I  come  down  and  get  one  more,  and  keep 
two  for  dot  day  when  the  rain  comes  alretty. 

(Exit  R.  u.  E.  upstairs.) 

SHAVER.  Where  will  all  this  end?  (starts  to 
door  L.  1  E.  Enter  GERTIE  R.  u.  E.  below  stairs.) 

GERTIE.     Oh,  Mr.  Tweedle. 

SHAVER.     Now  I'm  a  goner ! 

GERTIE,  (comes  R.  of  sofa)  I've  come  in  to  keep 
you  company — you  must  be  awfully  lonesome. 

SHAVER.     No — I  have  my  other  self  to  argue  with. 

GERTIE.     Then  you  don't — want  me 

(Enter  TILLY  from  stairs,  go  out  c.  to  L.) 

SHAVER.  Yes,  I  do  want  you — I  want  you  to  go 
in  the  other  room  and  study  the  "Light  of  Asia." 

GERTIE.  Let's  sit  here,  (indicating  ottoman) 
And  you  can  explain. 

SHAVER.  No,  we  can't  sit  here.  Now,  leave  me — 
I  feel  another  trance  coming  on. 


56  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

GERTIE.    Are  you  going  to  soar  away? 

SHAVEK.  No,  but  I  think  I'll  go  away  sore — that 
is — go — the  spirits  are  here — they  wish  to  converse — 
perhaps  with  you — (knock  at  door  L.  TWEEDLE) 
There  they  are  now — go — go — (putting  her  up  R.) 

GERTIE.  When  they  get  through  with  you,  may  I 
have  you  all  to  myself  ? 

SHAVER.  Yes — all  that's  left  of  me.  (GERTIE 
exits  R.  u.  E.  SHAVER  starts  L.  1  E.  ERASTUS  enters 
K.  c.)  Oh! 

ERASTUS.  Come  here;  don't  go  flying  away  like 
that — say,  I  think  you  are  beginning  to  fluke — I  want 
you  to  understand  that  I  own  you,  body  and  soul. 
( TWEEDLE  knocks  at  door  L.  1  E.)  What's  that? 

SHAVER.     Oh,  that — that's  me 

ERASTUS.  ( coming  c.)     You?    (TWEEDLE  knocks) 

TWEEDLE.  (outside  L.  1  E.)     Open  this  door. 

SHAVER,  (at  door)  That's  my  uncle — the  mis- 
sionary. 

ERASTUS.     What  does  he  want? 

SHAVER.     He  just  came  to  pay  a  social  call. 

ERASTUS.     (L.  of  Ott.)     On  me? 

SHAVER.    Yes.     (ERASTUS  starts) 

ERASTUS.  Then  I  will  look  him  over.  (Starts  for 
door  L.  1  E.) 

SHAVER,  (stops)  No — you  see,  he's  a  peculiar 
uncle — he  won't  like  you. 

ERASTUS.  He  won't?  Then  he'll  get  out  of  my 
house,  (goes  c.) 

SHAVER  (follows  him)  You  see,  he's  heard  you 
want  me,  and  he's  jealous — he  wants  me  to  go  away 
with  him. 

ERASTUS.  Before  the  reception  ?  (SHAVER  n ods) 
Oh,  the  kidnapper!  (opens  the  door)  What's  to  be 
done  here? 

SHAVER,  (don't  understand  this)  Let  him  out — 
make  it  pleasant  for  him,  until  after  the  reception. 

ERASTUS.    What — loose?     (SHAVER  nods.    Cross- 


MY    FRIEND     FROM    INDIA.  57 

ing  R.)  Say,  you  said  he  was  a  missionary — fetch 
him  out — and  I'll  work  him  off  on  Arabella. 
(SHAVER  opens  the  door  L.  1  and  cross  c.) 

(Enter  TWEEDLE  L.  1  E.) 

SHAVER.  (R.  of  ottoman — introducing)  Mr. 
Underholt,  my  uncle — James  Tweedle  from  Africa — 
( TWEEDLE  crosses  to  him) 

ERASTUS.  (shaking  hands  warmly)  Delighted  to 
know,  you,  sir,  delighted. 

SHAVER.  I  explained,  Uncle,  *-o  our  friend  here, 
that  dreadful  mistake  in  the  paper,,,  confounding  you 
and  me. 

ERASTUS.  Yes,  yes;  that's  all  right — we  under- 
stand that.  Been  on  missionary  services,  eh? 

TWEEDLE.    Yes,  in  the  wilds  of  Africa. 

ERASTUS.  (effusively)  Now,  this  is  what  I  call 
a  fortunate  coincidence.  The  heathen  in  foreign 
lands  is  a  perfect  hobby  with  my  sister. 

TWEEDLE.    Indeed ! 

ERASTUS.  Perfect  hobby!  (taking  him  up  c.) 
If  she  thought  I  would  let  a  heathen  escape  without 
meeting  her,  she  would  have  a  fit.  (Exit  ERASTUS 
and  TWEEDLE  c.) 

SHAVER.  Thank  Heaven!  Now,  if  that  dress 
would  only  arrive. 

(Enter  TILLY  with  boxes  c.  from  L.     SHAVER  takes 
boxes.) 

Good!  You  are  my  balm  of  Gilead.  (kiss)  That 
one  I  won't  charge  you  for — you  have  three  in  bank 
still.  (Exit  door  L.  1) 

TILLY.  I  bet  I  get  in  trouble  mit  dem  dresses — 
but  I  got  even  on  Miss  Bernice,  she  all  de  time  talk 
about  her  father — but  I  watch  him  and  see  dot  no- 
body don't  done  him  up. 

(Enter  GLASSMAN  with  glass  c.  from  L.) 


58  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

Dere  is  der  place,  (tries  it  in  screen)  You  got  it 
too  big — you're  Irish. 

GLASSMAN.  Well,  I'll  just  take  it  downstairs  and 
cut  it  off.  (Exit  GLASSMAN  c.  to  L.) 

TILLY.  All  right,  I  wish  I  took  dose  two  dollars 
instead  of  dose  kisses  yet.  (go  up  L.  c.) 

(Enter  BERNICE  R.  u.  E.  below  stairs.) 

BEENICE.     (c.)     Papa  said  the  elder  Mr.  Tweedle 
had  arrived.     Have  you  seen  him,  Tilly? 
TILLY.     No,  ma'am. 

(Enter  TOM  R.  u.  E.,  disguised.) 

BERNICE.  (coming  down  R.  of  ottoman  TILLY 
busies  herself  up  stage)  Oh,  you  are  Mr.  Tweedle. 

TOM.     (R.)     Yes,  just  arrived  from  Africa. 

BERNICE.  (R.  c.)  Papa  said  we  were  to  entertain 
you. 

TOM.     He's  so  kind. 

BERNICE.  If  you  like,  I'll  show  you  the  floral 
decorations  for  our  reception  to-night. 

TOM.     Charmed. 

(Exit  BERNICE  and  TOM  c.  door  to  R.) 

TILLY.  He  was  a  sight,  (down  to  L.  Enter 
CHARLIE  L.  u.  disguised)  Excuse  me — (yell.  Enter 
MARIAN  R.  u.) 

MARIAN,  (from  stairs)  Ah,  the  elder  Mr. 
Tweedle,  I  believe?  Mr.  TJnderholt  said  we  were  to 
do  all  we  could  to  make  your  visit  pleasant,  and  if 
you  will  allow  me  to  escort  you,  I'll  show  you  the 
gallery.  (CHARLIE  and  MARIAN  exit  L.  u.  E.) 

TILLY.     Dey  must  be  twins. 

(Enter  SHAVER  dressed  in  dress  L.  1  E.) 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  59 

TILLY.     Oh,  you  look  like  a  real  woman. 

SHAVER.     Do  I. 

TILLY.    Yah.     Give  me  one  more. 

SHAVER,  (kisses  her)  You're  getting  extrava- 
gant— you've  only  one  left. 

TILLY.  Und  now  I  go  down  and  talk  mit  dot  glass 
man.  He  don't  charge  me  for  dose  kisses  like  you  do. 
(Exit  c.  to  L.) 

SHAVER.  Now  to  make  my  escape  if  I  don't  meet 
someone. 

(Goes  up  c.,  looks  R.  Sees  MRS.  B.  S.  R.  u.,  dressed 
in  suit  like  SHAVER'S.  She  is  adjusting  her 
glove.  SHAVER  crosses  to  arch  up  c.  and  runs 
back  of  screen.) 

MRS.  B.  S.  (speaks  outside)  All  right;  I'll  be 
back  in  a  minute. 

(Enter  R.  u.  from  Rv  continuation  of  speech.) 

What  a  dignified,  handsome  man  that  Mr.  Tweedle 
is,  and  what  a  compliment  he  paid  me.  Well,  I 
flatter  myself  I  did  make  an  impression  on  him  in 
this  dress,  (goes  down  a.) 

(Enter  TILLY  c.  from  L.     Sees  MRS.  B.  S.  and  thinks 
it's  TWEEDLE.) 

TILLY.  Say,  Tweedle,  give  me  dot  last  kiss  what 
you  owe  me. 

MRS.  B.  S.    Why,  Matilda! 

TILLY,  (screams)  On  the  wrong  street.  (Exit 
C.  D.  in  a  rush) 

MRS.  B.  S.  (crosses  L.,  as  she  crosses,  SHAVER 
hurriedly  crosses  and  hides  behind  screen  up  c.  R.) 
The  idea,  a  servant  trying  to  kiss  me !  I  never  heard 
of  such  impudence.  I  wonder  where  I  left  my 
glasses?  I  declare  I  can't  see  straight  since  I  took 
that  last  glass  of  wine  to  Mr.  Tweedle's  health,  (bus. 


60  MY     FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

of  looking  for  glasses.  Turns  suddenly  to  screen, 
perceives  her  side  face  through  open  part  of  screen. 
In  reality  it  is  SHAVER'S  face  as  he  peeks  through 
screen;  stands  up  in  front  of  open  part.  SHAVER 
confronts  her)  Don't  I  look  lovely,  (starts  to  fix 
sleeves,  taking  left  and  right  view  of  dress)  Not 
such  a  bad  figure,  either.  What  a  horrible  fib  I  told 
Mr.  Tweedle  about  my  age  being  only  thirty-two. 
(hearty  laugh.  Leans  forward.  Upon  straightening 
up,  discovers  that  SHAVER'S  hat  is  on  one  side.  Now, 
look  at  my  hat!  It's  always  hanging  over  my  nose, 
or  ear,  or  some  place,  (bus.  of  taking  out  hat  pin, 
putting  pin  in  mouth,  and  adjusting  hat,  which 
SHAVER  imitates.  While  hat  pin  is  in  her  mouth, 
tries  to  mumble.  Puts  hat  pin  in  hat,  gives  a  slight 
scream)  I  declare  I'll  pierce  my  brain  some  day 
with  these  hatpins.  There,  that's  better.  Thirty- 
two,  (laughs)  Well,  I  don't  think  I  look  more  than 
thirty-two.  Scarcely  a  wrinkle  to  be  seen,  except 
here —  (bus.  of  putting  hands  to  forehead)  And 
here —  (puts  hands  to  chin)  Arabella,  you  naughty 
girl,  it's  high  time  you  set  your  cap,  if  you  wish  to 
catch  number  three.  Oh,  that  Mr.  Tweedle,  I  could 
just  squeeze  him !  He  is  too  sweet  for  anything. 
(bus.  of  holding  arms  as  if  to  embrace  him.  Throws 
kiss  at  mirror)  Ta,  ta,  Arabella.  No,  no,  you  must 
not  waste  the  nectar  of  your  lips — you  are  waiting 
for  Mr.  Tweedle. 

(Exit  R.  u.  E. — front  of  screen.) 

(SHAVER  clings  to  left  side  of  screen  as  if  exhausted. 
Comes  from  behind  screen  much  agitated,  fan- 
ning himself.  Enter  JAMES  TWEEDLE  R.  u.  E. 
SHAVER  turns  suddenly,  confronting  TWEEDLE 
falls  into  his  arms.) 

TWEEDLE.     This    is    my    chance.     (SHAVER    gets 
away  and  plays  the  scene  with  back  to  TWEEDLE) 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  61 

SHAVER,  (comes  down  L.  c.,  back  to  TWEEDLE  all 
through  scene.  Embarrassed,  kittenish  air)  My 
uncle 

TWEEDLE.  Mrs.  Beekman-Streete — will  you  look 
with  favor  upon  my  suit  ? 

SHAVER,  (aside)  I'd  change  it  for  this  dress. 
(aloud)  Assure  me  you  did  not  hear  my  foolish 
prattle. 

TWEEDLE.  I  assure  you,  I  heard  nothing — I  have 
another  mission — you  are  lonesome. 

SHAVER.  I  am — of  course  Erastus  is  very  kind, 
looking  after  my  estate  in  Kansas  City. 

TWEEDLE.     Estate  ? 

SHAVER.  I  can't  spend  my  annuity  of  twenty 
thousand  dollars  alone. 

TWEEDLE.     Twenty  thousand  dollars  ! 

SHAVER.  My  first  husband,  Beekman,  was  a  cy- 
elonic-swearing  poker  player  from  Dakota. 

TWEEDLE.     Ah ! 

SHAVER.  While  Number  Two's  profanity  was  bliz- 
zardy — he  only  played  pinochle. 

TWEEDLE.  But  I  will  only  play  Old  Maid  or 
Casino. 

SHAVER.  Ah!  how  I  have  longed  for  the  loving 
support  of  a  sympathetic  soul  who  would  look  after 
my  interests ! 

TWEEDLE.     Mrs.  Streete — may  I  dare  to  hope  ? 

SHAVER.  But  we  have  known  each  other  such  a 
little  while 

TWEEDLE.  But  it  is  not  as  though  we  were  young 
and  giddy 

SHAVER.  I  must  ask  a  little  time — you  shall  have 
my  answer  when  I  am  more  composed,  (goes  up  L.) 

TWEEDLE.  Every  moment  will  be  an  agony  of 
suspense. 

SHAVER.  I  will  not  detain  you  long.  (Exits  c. 
to  R.) 

TWEEDLE.     (sol.)     This  is  not  so  bad.     Twenty 


6%  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

thousand  a  year— and  her  home  life  here  is  distaste- 
ful to  her.  But  she  certainly  lost  no  time  in  giving 
me  to  understand —  (down  L.) 

(Enter  MBS.  B.  S.  c.  from  E.  down  stairs.) 

MES.  B.  S.  (aside)  My  fan — where  can  I  have 
left  it?  (goes  L.  c.) 

TWEEDLE.  (L.  as  she  starts  to  go  E.  u.  Advanc- 
ing eagerly)  No,  you  shall  not  escape  me.  You 
have  pledged  me  your  love,  and  you  are  mine. 

MES.  B.  S.  (down  L.  c.,  struggling)  Release  me, 
sir!  How  dare  you? 

TWEEDLE.  (over  to  her,  kisses  hand)  No  more 
profane,  poker-playing  Beekmans  shall  mar  your 
life. 

MES.  B.  S.     (horrified,  aside)  Horrors,  he  is  mad! 

TWEEDLE.  (drawing  her  to  him)  No  more  cy- 
clonic-swearing, pinochle-playing  Streetes  from  Da- 
kota. 

MES.  B.  S.  (alarmed,  aside)  Merciful  heavens! 
(breaks  away  to  L.)  I  am  sure  he's  a  raving  lunatic. 
Streete,  the  Superintendent  of  a  Sabbath  School ! 

TWEEDLE.  (coming  down  on  her  E.)  We  need 
not  touch  one  penny  of  your  large  annuity. 

MES.  B.  S.  Large  annuity?  Now  I  am  certain 
he's  crazy,  (looks,  crosses  B. — aloud)  Where  did 
you  get  all  this  extraordinary  information? 

TWEEDLE.  (aside)  Can  it  be  possible  the  poor 
woman  has  a  mental  affliction?  (goes  c.  a  step) 

MES.  B.  S.     Who  told  you  all  this  ? 

TWEEDLE.  Why,  you  yourself? — here — not  five 
minutes  ago,  with  your  head  resting  upon  my  breast, 
you 

MES.  B.  S.  I!  (down  E.)  My  head  upon  your 
breast — how  dare  you,  sir ! 

TWEEDLE.     Do  you  deny  that  you  were  in  this 


MY     FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  63 

room  a  few  minutes  ago  and  that  you  made  what  you 
were  pleased  to  call  "a  few  prattling  remarks?" 

MRS.  B.  S.  Before  the  mirror!  (confused,  in- 
dignant) You  were  eavesdropping !  How  could  you 
be  so  dishonorable!  (crosses  L.) 

TWEEDLE.  You  wrong  me  grossly.  You  told  me 
you  loved  me. 

MRS.  B.  S.     I  deny  it! 

TWEEDLE.     Deny  it ! 

MRS.  B.  S.  Emphatically!  Nothing  of  the  sort 
ever  occurred. 

TWEEDLE.  Madam,  do  you  question  my  veracity? 
(crosses  to  L.  of  her) 

MRS.  B.  S.  No,  but  I  question  your  senses,  (go- 
ing up  R.  )  I  will  leave  you  until  you  have  recovered 
them.  (Exit  MRS.  B.  S.  R.  u.  E.) 

TWEEDLE.  Mad  !  Mad  as  a  March  hare.  I  dream 
of  joy,  only  to  be  shattered  by  a  rude  awakening. 

(Enter  ERASTUS  door  c.  from  R.) 

Mr.  Underholt,  do  you  not  think  it  would  have  been 
the  better  plan  to  have  given  me  a  hint  concerning 
your  sister? 

ERASTUS.     (up  R.  c.)     Hint?    What  d'ye  mean? 

TWEEDLE.     (L.  c.)     Her  mental  condition. 

ERASTUS.     Mental  condition!     Explain  yourself. 

TWEEDLE.    You  do  not  know? 

ERASTUS.     Know  what? 

TWEEDLE.  It  becomes  my  painful  duty  to  inform' 
you,  sir,  that  your  sister  is  mad!  (crosses  L.) 

ERASTUS.     What's  she  mad  about? 

TWEEDLE.     She  is  crazy,  sir — positively  insane. 

ERASTUS.     Pooh,  pooh ! 

TWEEDLE.  If  we  may  retire  here  for  a  moment, 
I  will  convince  you  that  I  am  not  mistaken,  sir. 

ERASTUS.  Oh,  very  well,  step  right  in  there,  (in- 
dicating L.  u.  E.,  permits  TWEEDLE  to  enter  door 
L.  u.  E.  As  ERASTUS  is  about  to  enter,  Tie  sees  SHAVER 


64  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

coming  on)     Ah,  here  she  comes  now.     Crazy!    It's 
my  opinion  he's  crazy  himself. 

(Enter  SHAVEE  as  though  pursued     Comes  down  to 
door  L.     He  is  closely  followed  ly  TILLY.) 

SHAVEK.  No  use — I  can't  get  out — hedged  in  on 
every  side.  (Exit  SHAVEE  door  L.  1  E.) 

(Enter  EBASTUS  followed  ly  TWEEDLE  L.  u.  E.  TILLY 
makes  a  pretense  of  dusting  furniture  with  her 
apron.) 

EEASTUS.  (agitated — aside)  My  sister  holding 
secret  meetings  with  this  young  Tweedle,  and  with 
the  door  locked,  (aloud)  What  does  this  mean? 
(c.) 

TWEEDLE.     It  only  verifies. 

EEASTUS.  (E.)  Ah,  ugh!  Call  that  a  proof  of 
insanity,  do  ye?  (to  TILLY)  Come  here,  girl, 
( TILLY  advances)  Why  did  your  mistress  go  in 
that  room? 

TILLY.     She  didn't  vent  in  dot  room,  sir. 

EEASTUS.  Well,  of  all  the  barefaced — Wasn't  you 
in  this  room  when  we  came  in? 

TILLY.     Yah,  I  vos  here. 

EEASTUS.  And  you  tell  me  she  didn't  go  in  there  ? 
(TILLY  shakes  her  head)  Who  was  it,  then? 

TILLY.  Xo  woman  didn't  vent  in  when  I  vos 
here,  (go  up) 

TWEEDLE.     After  all,  we  may  be  mistaken. 

EEASTUS.  Mistaken!  Maybe  you  think  I  don't 
know  my  own  sister?  Think  I'm  crazy,  don't  ye? 
(crosses  L.,  knocks  at  door  L.  IE.)  Arabella!  Ara- 
bella! (no  response)  Tweedle!  Open  this  door, 
I  say — d'ye  hear  me? 

TWEEDLE.  (goes  up  E.  c.  Aside,  going  E.  u.)  I 
have  no  right  to  be  a  witness  to  this  family  affair — 
I  will  retire. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  (55 

(Exit  TWEEDLE   C.   to  R.) 

EBASTUS.  If  you  don't  open  this  door  instantly,  I 
will  call  a  policeman  and  have  it  broken  open. 

TILLY,  (aside)  I  tole  him  to  trow  der  suit  on 
der  conservatory  if  he  got  caught.  I  go  ketch  him. 
(Exit  TILLY  L.  c.) 

ERASTUS.  (second  time  knocking  on  door  L.) 
Arabella !  Arabella !  I  say !  I  can  see  you  in 
there • 

(MRS.  B.  S.  appears  on  stairs,  MARIAN,  GERTIE  and 
BERNICE  appear  R.  u.  E.) 

MRS.  B.  S.  Well,  what  is  it,  Erastus?  (hastily 
descends  followed  by  MARIAN,  GERTIE  and  BERNICE) 

ERASTUS.  (down  L.,  astounded)  What,  are  you 
here  and  in  there,  too?  What  is  the  meaning  of  all 
this? 

MRS.  B.  S.  (down  R.  of  ottoman)  Where  is  that 
dreadful  man  ? 

ERASTUS.  To  what  dreadful  man  do  you  refer? 
How  did  you  get  out  of  that  room  without  my  seeing 
you? 

MRS.  B.  S.     Out  of  which  room? 

ERASTUS.     That  room  there  ! 

MRS.  B.  S.     I  wasn't  in  that  room. 

ERASTUS.  I  saw  you  with  my  own  eyes  enter  that 
room  not  two  minutes  ago  and  lock  the  door  behind 
you. 

GERTIE.  Why,  papa — Auntie  ha»  been  upstairs  for 
ten  minutes,  telling  me  of  the  dreadful  actions  of 
that  Mr.  Tweedle. 

ERASTUS.  I  could  have  sworn — what's  the  matter 
with  this  darned  house,  anyway  ? 

MRS.  B.  S.  Something  dreadful  going  on — we  will 
all  be  murdered. 

ERASTUS.    Murdered ! 

MRS.  B.  S.  I  tell  you  that  Mr.  Tweedle  is  violent- 
ly insane. 


66  MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 

ERASTUS.     He's  just  as  positive  you  are  crazy. 

MRS.  B.  S.  I !  Listen — half  an  hour  ago  I  came 
into  this  room  to  adjust  my  new  costume  in  the 
mirror  there —  ( TILLY  appears  at  lack  listening  L. 
u.  E.) 

ERASTUS.     Mirror!    What  mirror? 

MRS.  B.  S.     The  mirror  in  the  screen  there 

ERASTUS.  There's  no  mirror  in  that  screen.  It 
was  broken  this  morning. 

MRS.  B.  S.  (going  up  to  screen  R.  of  c.  ERASTUS 
faces  her  on  her  L.)  I  am  perfectly  aware  of  what  I 
am  saying — you  need  not  contradict  me.  I  refer  to 
this  mirror  here —  (goes  to  screen — feels  in  open 
space,  puts  hand  to  breast,  comes  front  in  half  faint- 
ing condition,  falls  in  chair  placed  to  receive  her) 
Heavens!  Can  it  be  possible  that  I  am  losing  my 
mind?  (ERASTUS  pats  her  hand.  GERTIE  gets  water 
from  table.  BERNICE  produces  smelling  salts.  All 
crowd  around  her.  Enter  GLASSMAN  with  mirror, 
which  just  fits  the  open  space  in  screen.  Places  it  in 
position,  holding  it  there.) 

MRS.  B.  S.  (appealingly.)  But  there  was  a  mir- 
ror there  a  few  moments  ago,  tell  me  that  you  be- 
lieve me  when  I  say,  there  was  one  there. 

ERASTUS.  (humoring)  Oh,  yes,  there  was  one 
there,  (aside)  I'd  better  send  for  Dr.  Giles,  (go- 
ing up,  sees  his  reflection  in  mirror,  screams  and 
starts  to  door  L.)  What— is  it  haunted?  (Exit 
GLASSMAN  with  glass  c.)  It's  you,  Tweedle. 
(ERASTUS  goes  up  and  sees  there  is  no  glass  and  is 
dumbfounded,  starts  for  door  L.  again.  Enter 
SHAVER  L.  1  in  yellow  robe  TWEEDLE,  R.  u.  E. 
CHARLIE  L.  u.  E.  and  TOM  c.  They  stand  in  row 
at  c.  as  ERASTUS  turns  and  sees  them,  he  falls  to 
knees  completely  nonplussed;  SHAVER  falls  on  otto- 
man) 

CURTAIN 


MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 


ACT    III 

SCENE: — Drawing  room  at  UNDERHOLT'S  house. 
Chandelier  lighted,  piano  L.  2.  Piano  lamp 
lighted,  sofa  L.  c.,  table  R.  c.,  furniture  ad  lib., 
to  make  up  an  elegant  apartment.  Large  c. 
opening  and  openings  R.  and  L.  3  and  K.  and  L.  1. 

DISCOVERED :— At  rise :    CHARLIE. 

CHARLIE,  (seated  on  sofa  L.)  One  hour  more — 
ah,  I  dare  not  think.  Why  did  I  ever  bring  that 
man  Shaver  here? 

(Enter  TILLY  with  tray  c.  from  R.,  two  glasses,  cham- 
pagne bottle  and  note — talces  all  but  note  with 
her  when  she  exits.) 

TILLY.  Here's  a  note  dot  come  for  you  one  hour 
ago. 

CHARLIE,  (rises  and  goes  up  L.  c.)  An  hour 
ago !  What  made  you  hurry  with  it  ? 

TILLY.     I  always  was  in  a  hurry. 

CHARLIE.     Who  brought  it,  Tilly? 

TILLY.     A  little  shaver. 

CHARLIE,     (shocked)     What,  another! 

TILLY.    What? 

CHARLIE.     Another  shaver? 

TILLY.  My  sister  in  Germany  has  got  two  little 
shavers. 

CHARLIE.     May  angels  guard  and  bless  them. 

TILLY.  Ain't  that  nice?  I'll  tell  my  sister  what 
you  said  when  I  write  some  more  letters  by  Germany. 
(Exit  L.  2  E.) 

CHARLIE,  (opens  note)  "Charlie  dear:  Why 
have  you  been  so  cold  to  me  of  late?  Tell  me  why. 


68  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

I  want  to  see  you  before  the  reception.  Will  come 
early,  Yours, 

MABIAN." 

Well,  if  anybody  wants  to  see  me,  they'd  better  come 
before  the  reception.  I  don't  know  what  to  say  to 
that  poor,  dear  girl.  When  my  father  learns  of  this 
mock  reception,  I'll  be  kicked  out  of  the  house,  and  I 
won't  be  able  to  support  myself,  let  alone  a  wife. 
(goes  to  piano-stool) 

(Enter  MAEIAX  c.  from  L.) 

Marian  dear — owing  to  the  fact  that  my  father  is 
going  to  kick  me  out  of  the  house,  it  will  be  impossi- 
ble for  me  to  marry  you — and  it  only  illustrates  the 
old  adage: — "When  poverty  comes  in  at  the  door, 
love  flies  out  at  the  window." 

MAEIAX.  (comes  down  L.  behind  him,  arm  around 
his  neck)  But  if  the  wife  keeps  the  door  locked, 
poverty  can't  get  in,  Charlie. 

CHARLIE.  Ah,  Marian,  that's  a  very  pretty  theory, 
but  this  is  not  a  theory  it's  a  condition  that  con- 
fronts me. 

MARIAX.  (comes  c.)  Then  I  was  right;  our  en- 
gagement at  the  Springs  was  only  a  summer  flirta- 
tion. 

CHARLES,     (follows  her)     Ah,  Marian,  I 

MARIAX.  There,  Charlie,  don't  try  to  explain — 
it's  the  same  old  story — a  summer  day — you  there,  I 
here — a  glance — a  tender  squeeze  of  the  hand — sum- 
mer again — train  back  to  Xew  York,  and  the  old 
janitor  has  nothing  before  to  sweep  into  the  sea  but 
broken  hearts,  all  pierced  with  arrows,  (goes  R.) 

CHARLIE.     Marian,  I 

MARIAX.  There,  there — I'm  not  the  injured 
party;  I,  too,  was  but  a  summer  girl,  (sits  L.  of 
table  R.) 

CHARLIE,     (going   to   her)     Can't   you   see   how 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  69 

hard  you  are  making  all  this  for  me?  It  isn't  my 
fault — it's  father's. 

MARIAN.     What  did  he  say? 

CHARLIE.  You  know  what  he  says — he  won't  have 
anything  further  to  do  with  me.  Wants  me  to  do 
something  for  myself — says  I'm  worthless,  shiftless, 
wants  me  to  prove  that  there's  some  metal  in  me. 

MARIAN.  Well,  I  always  thought  you  had  some 
brass. 

CHARLIE.     Are  you  getting  discouraged? 

MARIAN.  No,  Charlie,  only  I  was  thinking  of  the 
other  side.  Do  you  remember  how  seriously  we  used 
to  talk  of  marriage  at  the  Springs  ? 

CHARLIE.  (R.  c.)  Yes.  We  swore  we'd  be  noth- 
ing to  each  other  but  just  chums,  playmates,  and  here 
we  are — sweethearts. 

MARIAN.  But  not  for  long,  I  fear — You  know  we 
may  look  at  it  all  right,  but  when  our  money  is 
gone 

CHARLIE.     Which  will  be  about  Wednesday. 

MARIAN.     Or  sooner 

CHARLIE.  Do  you  know,  Marian,  I  really  believe 
I  shall  be  compelled  to  go  to  work? 

MARIAN,  (rises)  You  work!  What  could  you 
do — what  could  we  do  ? 

CHARLIE.  Or  whom  could  we  do — now,  there's 
something  in  that. 

MARIAN.  Can't  you  be  serious  for  a  few  min- 
utes? 

CHARLIE.  Yes —  (stops  suddenly)  No,  I've  got 
to  kill  a  man  by  the  name  of  Shaver.  It's  no  use. 

MARIAN,  (alarmed)  Don't  say  that — who  is  he 
— what  is  he? 

CHARLIE.     Don't  you  know  who  Shaver  is  ? 

MARIAN.     No,  dear. 

CHARLIE.  Well,  it's  too  long  a  story,  but  it's  a 
case  of  crepe  on  his  door-knob  or  mine. 

(Enter  TILLY  L.  c.) 


70  MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 


TILLY.  Your  fader  wants  to  see  you  about  dose 
receptions. 

MARIAN.  I  will  go  find  the  girls,  as  I  said  I  would 
be  here  early.  (Exit  R.  u.  to  R.,  kissing  hand  to 
CHARLIE) 

CHARLIE.  All  right,  Tilly,  I'll  go  and  see  him,  I 
suppose.  (Exit  L.  3) 

TILLY,  (comes  down  c.)  I'm  completely  tired 
out  mit  dressing  all  dose  people — they  all  got  new 
dresses  an'  one  wants  to  look  better  as  de  oder,  and 
Mrs.  Beekman-Streete's  got  so  much  powder  on,  she 
can't  see  her  face  through  it.  (crosses  up  c.) 

(Enter  ERASTUS  and  SHAVER,  arm  in  arm,  from 
R.  c.,  ERASTUS  is  smoking  a  very  large  cigar.) 

ERASTUS.  (on  SHAVER'S  R.)  You  better  remain 
here  on  view  in  the  drawing-room,  (crosses  up — 
SHAVER  L. — To  TILLY)  Tilly,  you  go  downstairs 
and  see  Jennings,  and  tell  him  that  when  my  guests 
come,  he  can  tell  'em  that  the  carriages  may  be 
ordered  for  10:30.  (Exit  TILLY  L.  c.) 

SHAVER.     (L.  c.)     And  the  hearse  at  10:31. 

ERASTUS.  (R.  c.)  To-night's  the  night — to- 
night's the  night — I've  been  waiting  for  this  for  three 
long  years,  and  I  always  knew  I  had  a  good  thing  in 
you. 

SHAVER.     But,  I'm 

ERASTUS.  (interrupting)  There,  there — that'll 
do.  The  only  trouble's  been  that  you've  had  too 
much  liberty.  (looking  at  him  very  sternly)  I 
thought  I  had  'em  yesterday — I  saw  everything 
double — and  as  for  that  uncle  of  yours,  every  time  I 
look  at  him  now,  I  see  whole  bunches  of  him.  I'll 
keep  my  eye  on  you  until  after  this  reception  is  over. 
Then  you  can  fly  away  to  India  or  any  old  place  you 
want  to. 

SHAVER.     But  suppose  I'm  a  failure 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  71 

ERASTUS.  What,  you — a  failure — after  what  I've 
seen  you  do?  (shaking  head  and  crossing  to  table 
R.)  Jamais  la  vie — not  on  your  life,  (rings  bell  on 
table  R.)  Here,  have  a  smoke,  (talcing  out  cigar) 
Oh,  I  remember  you  don't  smoke,  (puts  cigar  in 
other  pocket.) 

(Enter  JENNINGS  c.) 

Jennings,  bring  me  a  high  ball  of  whiskey,  (exit 
JENNINGS  c.  to  L.)  Tweedle,  you  ought  to  learn  to 
smoke,  (sits  in  armchair  L.  of  R.  table)  There's 
lots  of  comfort  in  it.  Sometimes  I  sit  here  and  smoke 
and  think — think  of  the  days  when  I  didn't  want  no 
society — ah,  my  gals  was  babies  then,  (sighs  and 
puffs  cigar)  They're  young  ladies  now.  (SHAVER 
sniffs  cigar) 

(JENNINGS  enters,  places  whiskey  and  syphon  on 
table,  directly  at  ERASTUS'  elbow.  The  whiskey 
and  syphon  are  on  silver  tray,  also  large  glass 
with  piece  of  ice  in  it.  JENNINGS  pours  out 
drink. ) 

SHAVER,  (sniffing)  I'll  bet  that's  a  twenty  center. 
(L.  of  ERASTUS) 

ERASTUS.  Thank  you,  Jennings — that'll  do — just 
leave  it.  (exit  JENNINGS.  Turning  to  SHAVER) 
And,  Tweedle,  you  ought  to  learn  to  drink  too.  Per- 
haps you  will  some  day,  when  you  get  more  ac- 
customed to  our  ways,  (has  drink  in  right  hand, 
cigar  in  left)  Well,  here's  how!  (drops  cigar  by 
accident,  puts  whiskey  glass  down  on  tray  and  turns 
to  lean  over  L.  away  from  table  to  pick  up  cigar.  At 
this  moment  TILLY  enters  R.  1,  sees  tray  with  glass 
and  whiskey  on  it  on  table  and,  unobserved  by  either 
SHAVER  or  ERASTUS,  takes  same  up  and  exits  c. 
ERASTUS,  in  the  meantime,  has  picked  up  cigar, 
dusted  the  end  off  with  handkerchief,  puffs  and  turns 


72  MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 

again  to  take,  up  drink,  discovers  same  gone,  pan- 
tomime business,  looking  at  SHAVEB)  At  it  again — 
it's  not  right,  Tweedle,  I  suppose  I'll  have  to  have 
my  things  nailed  after  this,  (rises)  Well,  now,  I'll 
take  a  run  down  to  my  kitchen  and  see  how  my  chef's 
getting  along  with  the  supper,  (starts  up  c.) 

SHAVEK.  And  I'll  wait  here,  (crosses  L.  goes  and 
sits  on  sofa  L.) 

ERASTUS.  You'll  do  nothing  of  the  kind.  Do  you 
think  I'm  going  to  let  you  out  of  my  sight  ?  I  never 
know  what  you'll  do  next,  (leading  him  off  c.) 

SHAVER.     Let's  postpone  it. 

ERASTUS.  Postpone  nothing — say,  look  here — I 
think  you're  trying  to  get  out  of  this. 

SHAVER.  You  do  get  the  funniest  ideas  into  your 
head. 

ERASTUS.  (indicating  where  drink  has  been  on 
table)  Yes,  and  you  do  get  the  funniest  drinks  into 
your  head. 

SHAVER.  What  I  meant  was  this  parading  me 
around  the  crowd — they  might  suspect. 

ERASTUS.     Do  you  suppose  I  care  what  they  think  ? 

SHAVER.  I  feel  another  trance  coming  on — (puts 
hand  to  head) 

ERASTUS.  Don't  have  it  now — I  order  you  not  to 
have  it  now. 

SHAVER.     Don't  bring  me  to 

ERASTUS.  To ?  (indicating  table  again) 

You  just  had  one — it  was  a  corker!  (crosses  up, 
takes  SHAVER  by  the  arm,  walks  around)  Don't  have 
it  now — keep  it — save  it  until  I  have  company  then 
have  it — and  I'll  pay  you  extra  to  run  it  off. 

(Exit  with  him  c.  to  R.) 
(Enter  CHARLIE  L.  1.) 
CHARLIE.     If  this  thing  keeps  up,  it  will  turn  my 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  73 

hair  to  a  silvery  white.  The  best  thing  I  can  do  is 
to  pack  my  trunk  and  get  out  of  here.  I  wouldn't 
care  if  the  governor  murdered  him  and  it  all  leaked 
out — but  I — I  am  the  subject  of  the  inquest,  (enter 
TOM  c.  from  L.  To  TOM)  Tom,  why  in  the  name  of 
time,  didn't  you  tell  me  you  were  going  to  imper- 
sonate the  real  Tweedle  ? 

TOM.  (down  c.)  Well,  I  had  those  old  clothes 
from  that  burlesque  we  played  two  years  ago  at 
college,  and  I  thought  by  showing  him  up  to  my 
hope-to-be-very-soon-father,  I  would  gain  my  point. 
I  say,  why  didn't  you  tell  me? 

CHARLIE.  (R.)  Why  didn't  someone  tell  us? 
(crosses  to  R.)  Well,  Tom,  it's  too  late  now — this 
will  be  a  skyrocket,  (he  holds  out  hand.  TOM  rises 
and  both  shake)  Will  you  always  keep  a  bunch  of 
violets  growing  in  my  room  ? 

TOM.  (R.  c.)  Oh,  pshaw!  You  will  persist  in 
giving  up.  Look  at  me — I  have  more  to  contend  with 
than  you  have.  I've  been  refused  by  your  sister, 
kicked  out  by  your  father,  but  I  am  here.  "Faint 
heart  ne'er  won  fair  lady,"  you  know. 

CHARLIE.  (R.)  But  this  is  not  a  case  of  faint 
heart,  nor  fair  lady.  Tom,  it's  the  rise  and  fall  of  a 
promising  existence — especially  the  fall. 

(Enter  GERTIE  c.  from  R.) 

GERTIE.  Oh  boys — come  here — (beckons  them  and 
they  come  down  on  either  side)  Promise  me  not  to 
tell 

CHARLIE.     Perhaps  he's  dead. 

GERTIE.  Auntie's  in  love  with  Mr.  Tweedle.  (both 
boys  turn  away  disgusted)  Oh,  they've  got  it  bad. 
She  looks  at  him  and  sighs — (sighs)  And  he 
looks  at  her  and  sighs — then  they  look  at  each  other 
and  both  sigh  together. 

TOM.     Where  were  you? 


74  MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 

GERTIE.  I  went  to  get  this  flower.  I'm  going  to 
sigh  too. 

TOM.     Oho— in  love? 

XTEKTIE.  Whole  heart — can't  eat — can't  sleep — 
can't  even  think. 

TOM.     Aren't  you  too  young  ? 

GERTIE.  Now,  don't  accuse  me  of  that.  That's 
what  Auntie  and  Bernice  say.  To  hear  them  talk, 
one  would  think  youth  was  a  crime. 

CHARLIE.  (R.  c.)  Who's  the  object  of  this  great 
devotion  ? 

GERTIE,  (makes  big  bow)  Your  friend  from 
India,  (both  boys  shocked.  CHARLIE  goes  c.  and 
takes  GERTIE'S  hand — kisses  her  c.)  But  he  doesn't 
care  the  least  little  bit  for  me. 

TOM.    (L.  c.)     You'd  better  think  twice  about  it. 

GERTIE.  Twice  ?  I  think  of  it  a  hundred  times  a 
minute. 

(Enter  BERNICE  R.  3  E.) 

BERNICE.  (comes  down  R.  of  GERTIE)  Gertie, 
where  is  papa? 

GERTIE.     Why  what's  the  matter  ? 

BERNICE.  Oh,  nothing,  only  I  wish  to  see  him 
before  our  guests  arrive.  (ToM  goes  to  BERNICE  and 
extends  hand) 

TOM.     Bernice 

BERNICE.  Mr.  Valentine — I  am  pleased  to  see 
you.  I  trust  you  will  enjoy  yourself  at  our  reception 
this  evening,  (crosses  to  CHARLIE)  Charlie,  will 
you  tell  papa  I  wish  to  see  him? 

GERTIE,  (crosses  to  R.  of  TOM.  To  TOM)  It's 
awful,  isn't  it? 

CHARLIE.  I  don't  want  to  see  papa,  nor  anybody 
else — I'm  an  exile  from  home. 

(Enter  MARIAN  c.  from  L.) 


MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA.  75 

MARIAN,  (c.)  Well,  girls,  you  see  Pm  here — and 
early,  too. 

BERNICE.  I  knew  you  wouldn't  disappoint  us. 
And  you're  going  to  introduce  us  to  all  your  friends. 

MARIAN,  (slightly  shocked,  Aside)  Friends!  I 
never  thought  of  that — I  don't  know  a  single  one  of 
them,  (aloud)  Why,  certainly  I  am.  (crosses  L.) 

(Enter  ERASTUS  c.  from  R.) 

ERASTUS.  (comes  down  R.  c.)  Well,  gals,  one 
hour  more  and  we'll  all  be  in  it.  My,  my,  how  nice 
you  do  look.  Dressed  up  to  the  nines,  too.  Here, 
Gert,  give  your  pop  a  kiss.  (GERTIE  crosses  to  him. 
He  kisses  her.  Turning  to  BERNICE)  Bernice,  sa- 
lute your  father.  Ah,  Miss  Hayste,  too.  (crosses  to 
her,  shakes  hands  with  her) 

MARIAN.     Why,  Mr.  Underholt. 

ERASTUS.     Look  out  for  her,  gals — she's  a  rival. 

MARIAN.     Do  you  like  it  ? 

ERASTUS.  If  I  had  more  here — (indicating  bald 
head)  and  less  here — (indicates  stomach)  I'd  set 
my  cap  for  you  myself. 

MARIAN.  It's  from  Worth,  you  know.  Is  it  a 
good  fit?  (turning  round) 

ERASTUS.  Oh,  dear  me,  yes.  (aside,  looking  at 
her  back)  If  it  was  any  more  of  a  fit,  it  would  be 
a  convulsion,  (aloud)  Now,  gals,  you  must  tell 
your  old  Pop  what  he's  got  to  do.  First,  we've  got 
Tweedle,  the  wizard;  he'll  do  his  tricks,  and  Senor 
Spaghetti  is  engaged  to  sing — what's  the  rest  of  the 
programme  ? 

BERNICE.  (in  a  marked  manner)  The  rest  of  the 
program  ? 

GERTIE.  (R.  c. — slightly  toward  him — interrupt- 
ing) The  rest  of  the  programme  is — well,  first,  you 
must  receive  the  guests. 

ERASTUS.  (with  hand  on  breast,  making  absurd 
bow)  Oh,  that's  easy. 


76  MY     FRIEND     FROM    INDIA. 

MARIAN.     And  at  twelve  o'clock,  lead  the  German. 

ERABTUS.  (in  amazement)  Who,  Tilly?  (all 
shocked  and  walk  up  stage,  except  GERTIE)  What 
German  ? 

GERTIE,  (whispering  in  his  ear)  Why,  Pop,  the 
German's  a  dance. 

BERNICE.    He'll  spoil  it  all.     (girls  up  c.) 

GERTIE.     Well,  never  mind. 

ERASTUS.  I  can't  see  myself  in  that — Charlie. 
(who  is  L.  and  R.  of  MARIAN)  Boy,  you'll  have  to 
help  me  out,  or  else  you — (he  turns  suddenly,  sees 
TOM  who  is  down  L.  of  BERNICE,  gets  very  angry) 
I  thought  I  told  you  never  to  come  in  my  house 
again  ? 

TOM.  (R.  c.)  You  did,  but  I've  drawn  cards  and 
I'll  be  in  at  the  call,  if  I  go  broke. 

ERASTUS.  (c.)  Well,  you  have  got  the — All  right, 
young  fellow,  I'll  fly  a  flag  of  truce  with  you  to-night 
— but  to-morrow  morning  we'll  have  a  fresh  deal  all 
around. 

CHARLIE.     And  I  won't  be  ace  high. 

GERTIE,  (comes  to  ERASTUS  c.  on  his  R.)  Oh, 
Papa,  dear,  where's  Mr.  Tweedle? 

ERASTUS.  (throwing  hands  in  the  air)  Holy 
ginger!  I  bet  he's  having  that  trance  in  the  hall. 
I'll  stop  that. 

(Exit  c.  to  R.  GERTIE  has  followed  him  up  c.  looks 
off  after  him.  TOM  and  BERNICE  R.  c.  and 
CHARLIE  and  MARIAN  L.  c.  ALL  talk  privately) 

TOM.  (to  BERNICE)  Now,  I've  been  given  half  a 
chance;  won't  you  give  me  one  opportunity  to  im- 
prove it? 

BERNICE.  Until  our  other  guests  arrive,  yes.  After 
that,  we  meet  only  as  friends.  (BERNICE  turns  to 
CHARLIE)  Ah,  Charlie,  we  have  you  to  thank  for 
all  this  to-night.  It  was  you  who  brought  Mr. 
Tweedle  here. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  77 

CHARLIE.     Yes,  I  am  to  blame  for  it  all. 
(Enter  MRS.  B.  S.,  c.  from  L.,  to  c.     ALL  ad  lib.) 

MRS.  B.  S.  (GERTIE  comes  down  to  her  R.)  Well, 
girls,  once  more — third  time. 

ALL.    What? 

MRS.  B.  S.  (c.)  In  love.  I  want  you  all  to  stand 
up  with  me. 

CHARLIE.     (L.  c.)     Who  is  the  victim? 

MRS.  B.  S.  (c.)  We  are  speaking  of  a  wedding, 
not  an  execution. 

CHARLIE.  (L.  c.)     Same  thing. 

MARIAN.  (L.)  And  yet,  isn't  it  funny  how  many 
men  are  willing  to  become  matrimonial  martyrs. 

GERTIE.     Can  I  really  stand  up  with  you,  Auntie  ? 

MRS.  B.  S.     Yes,  and  Bernice  too. 

BERNICE.  (bus.)     Is  it  really  serious,  Aunt? 

MRS.  B.  S.  Do  you  know  he  proposed  so  suddenly 
to  me  yesterday  it  completely  unnerved  me  and  I 
frightened  him  away,  so  I  had  to  begin  all  over  again. 
But  I'll  win  him — I  can  almost  scent  the  orange 
blossoms  now. 

BERNICE.     Well,  it  would  be  a  novelty,  Auntie? 

MRS.  B.  S.  Not  to  me — very  simple.  You  drive 
up  in  a  carriage,  jump  gaily  down  to  the  walk,  up 
the  steps,  stop  a  few  moments  at  the  church  door, 
shed  a  few  tears,  up  the  aisle — and  you  meet  him. 

GERTIE.     What  him? 

MRS.  B.  S.  There's  only  one  him  at  a  wedding. 
(goes  c.  Pantomime  bus.  by  MRS.  B.  S.  of  a  marriage 
ceremony,  as  she  puts  her  hand  out  for  the  supposed 
ring) 

CHARLIE.    I  do. 

MRS.  B.  S.  Thanks,  (continues  pantomime  as  if 
bridegroom  had  forgotten  ring  in  vest  pocket. 
Fumbles,  finds  it,  completes  pantomime.  Turn — 
walks  up  c.  all  characters  on  stage  hum  in  unison 


78  MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 

first  strain  of  wedding  march.  MRS.  B.  S.  turns  and 
comes  down  c.) 

CHABLIE.  Then  hire  a  detective  and  get  evidence. 
(all  shocked) 

MRS.  B.  S.  A  short  honeymoon  trip,  then  "Two 
souls  with  but  a  single  thought,  two  hearts  that  beat 
as  one/' 

GERTIE.     Which  one  ? 

MRS.  B.  S.     With  me,  mine. 

BERXICE.  (R.  c.)  Quite  right,  Auntie;  the  wife 
should  be  the  queen. 

CHARLIE.  (L.  c.)  That's  it,  Marian;  a  woman  is 
always  at  the  bottom  of  every — (breaks  speech) 

MARIAN.  (L.)  There,  there,  Charlie — it  is  barely 
possible  when  a  man  is  at  the  top  of  the  ladder,  a 
woman  may  be  at  the  bottom  of  it  ? 

CHARLIE.     Yes,  just  to  pull  it  from  under  him. 

TWEEDLE.  (outside)     Never  mind,  I'll  find  him. 

MRS.  B.  S.  That  voice!  Be  still,  (puts  her 
hand  to  her  heart.  Sits  L.) 

TWEEDLE.  (outside)  I'll  look  in  here — ah,  there 
she  is. 

(Enter  TWEEDLE.  Crosses  c.,  R.  of  MRS.  B.  S. 
Other  characters  with  the  exception  of  MRS.  B.  S. 
have  hidden  either  side  of  stage.  As  he  comes 
down,  they  hum  strain  of  wedding  march  as 
before  and  exit  c.  to  R.  in  single  file,  keeping 
step,  still  humming  strain.) 

MRS.  B.  S.  That  tune  ought— Great  Heavens ! 
They've  stopped,  (turns  to  TWEEDLE)  Oh,  Mr. 
Tweedle,  don't  you  adore  music?  It  charms  me. 

TWEEDLE.  (R.  c.)  It  does  indeed  have  charms  to 
soothe  the  savage  beast. 

MRS.  B.  S.     (L.  c.)     What? 

TWEEDLE.  That  is,  when  played  in  a  jungle. 
But  in  civilized  countries,  it  does  draw  souls  closer 
together. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  79 

MRS.  B.  S.  It's  coming.  A  few  more  bars  of  that 
music  would  fetch  him. 

TWEEDLE.  Mrs.  Streete — Arabella — may  I  call  you 
Arabella? 

MRS.  B.  S.     (L.)     He  does  mean  business. 

TWEEDLE.     (L.  c.)    May  I? 

MRS.  B.  S.  Yes,  James,  (both  sit  on  sofa,  she 
on  his  L.) 

TWEEDLE.     That  affair  of  yesterday 

MRS.  B.  S.     Oh,  don't  mention  it 

TWEEDLE.  It  must  have  been  my  love  for  you  that 
turned  my  head. 

MRS.  B.  S.     Well,  I  was  cross,  too. 

TWEEDLE.  You  are  so  forgiving.  Do  you  know,  I 
was  thinking  of  your  lonely  condition,  and  of  mine, 
and  as  misery  loves  company — 

MRS.  B.  S.  (starts  quickly)  Misery !  (about  to 
rise — lie  stops  her) 

TWEEDLE.  I  didn't  mean  that!  Mrs.  Streete — 
Arabella — I  can  no  longer  keep  my  secret — (drops 
on  one  knee) 

(Enter  GERTIE  c.  from  R.) 

GERTIE.  (R.)     Am  I  in  the  way? 

MRS.  B.  S.  (crosses  c. — aside)  So  near  and  yet  so 
far !  (aloud)  Oh,  no,  not  at  all.  Mr.  Tweedle  was 
just  telling  me 

GERTIE.  (R.)    About  the  heathen? 

TWEEDLE.  Yes,  yes;  we  were  talking  about  the 
heathen. 

MRS.  B.  S.  Mr.  Tweedle,  you  were  talking  about — 
(noise  outside) 

(Enter  SHAVER  R.  c.  running.    TWEEDLE  goes  up  T ... 
and  works  around  up  R.  c.) 

GEBTIE.   (R.)     What's  the  matter  £ 


80  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

SHAVER,  (c.)     It  is  the  cook. 

GEKTIE.  (c.)    What's  he  doing? 

SHAVER.  (R.  c.)     He's  doing  your  father. 

MRS.  B.  S.  (L.  c.)  Perhaps  you  are  not  ac- 
customed to  large  receptions,  as  ours  will  be  to-night. 

SHAVER.  No,  they're  like  funerals.  A  man  only 
thoroughly  enjoys  them  once  a  lifetime,  (up  c., 
looks  off  R.  and  L.,  then  comes  down  to  piano  L.) 

GERTIE.  Pop  ain't  stuck  on  it  either.  He's  only 
done  it  for  us  girls. 

MRS.  B.  S.  (L.  c.)  Erastus  does  look  like  a  fish 
out  of  water  in  a  dress  suit. 

GERTIE,  (to  SHAVER)  I  wish  they'd  get  out.  (to 
MRS.  B.  S.)  Auntie,  why  don't  you  and  Mr.  Tweedle, 
Sr.,  go  into  the  conservatory?  I'm  sure  you  will 
enjoy  the  palms.  Is  it  all  fixed? 

MRS.  B.  S.  (crosses  to  her)  No,  you  came  in  a 
minute  too  soon. 

TWEEDLE.     (aside)    I'll  make  another  attempt. 

MRS.  B.  S.  (to  GERTIE)  Now,  just  play  a  bar 
or  two  as  we  pass.  (  GERTIE  crosses  L.  ) 

TWEEDLE.  (coming  down  R.  of  MRS.  B.  S.)  Shall 
we?  (offer  L.  arm) 

MRS.  B.  S.  Certainly,  certainly,  if  you  insist. 
(beckons  to  GERTIE — GERTIE  plays  wedding  march 
on  piano.  TWEEDLE  and  MRS.  B.  S.  cross  to  R.  c.) 

MRS.  B.  S.    Isn't  that  a  lovely  air? 

TWEEDLE.     Yes,  what  is  it? 

MRS.  B.  S.  It's  an  old  favorite  of  mine,  (both 
exit  R.  c.) 

GERTIE,  (sitting  on  piano  stool,  turns  around) 
She's  in  love  with  him. 

SHAVER,  (leaning  against  piano  stool)  She  can 
have  him.  She  saw  him  first.  I  had  my  fingers 
crossed. 

GERTIE.     Has  he  attained  Nirvana  ? 

SHAVER.     No,  but  he  will  if  he  gets  her. 

GERTIE,  (seated  on  piano  stool)     Well,  tell  me — 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  81 

when  one  has  attained  Nirvana,  can  one  see  all  his 
previous  existences? 

SHAVER.    All ! 

GERTIE.  (L.  c.)  Well,  tell  me  all  the  lives  you 
have  lived,  and  the  different  forms  you  have  taken. 

SHAVER.  (R.  c.)  Well,  you  see,  I  have  lived  so 
many  lives  that  I 

GERTIE.  Well,  tell  me  the  very  first  that  you  can 
remember. 

SHAVER.     You  wouldn't  believe  me. 

GERTIE.     Not  believe  you !    Why  ? 

SHAVER.  Tell  me — did  you  ever  feel  a  sort  of 
longing,  yearning,  here?  (bus.) 

GERTIE.     Before  meal  times,  yes. 

SHAVER.  No,  not  that!  (both  come  down  c.) 
Listen !  Two  thousand  years  ago  I  was  a  bird. 

GERTIE.  (L.  c.)  Oh,  yes,  I  heard  Charlie  tell  Tom 
Valentine  that  you  were  a  cuckoo. 

SHAVER.  (R.  c.)  A  cuckoo?  No;  I  was  a  sacred 
white  Ibis,  on  the  banks  of  the  Nile,  and  you  were 
my  mate. 

GERTIE.    Your  first  mate? 

SHAVER.  My  first  and  only  mate.  Try  and  think, 

can't  you?  Black  top-knots  on  our  heads ? 

(GERTIE  shakes  head.  Enter  TILLY,  stands  back  c. 
Continuing)  And  long,  and  very  slender  legs.  Are 
you  thinking. 

GERTIE.  Yes,  I'm  thinking  awfully  hard.  But  it's 
too  far  back,  I  guess. 

SHAVER.  When  you  have  attained  Nirvana,  you 
will  see  all  distinctly.  Those  were  peaceful,  happy 
days. 

GERTIE,  (seriously,  as  if  his  talk  had  convinced 
her)  Do  you  know,  I  can  stand  for  the  longest  time 
on  one  foot. 

SHAVER.  I  knew  it — you  are  mine.  You  feel  the 
affinity,  don't  you? 

GERTIE.     Well,  just  a  little,    (crosses  R.  demurely) 


82  MY     FRIEND     FROM     INDIA. 

SHAVER.     Well,  the  rest  will  come  in  time. 

GERTIE.  Don't  think  that  I'm  trying  to  rob  you 
of  your  spiritual  love. 

SHAVER.  Oh,  well,  I  have  Tuesdays  and  Saturdays 
to  myself  exclusively. 

GERTIE.  Oh  have  you?  Well,  may  I  have  those 
days? 

SHAVER.  Yes,  and  if  I  can  secure  a  spiritual 
divorce,  you  may  have  the  others. 

GERTIE.     Oh,  you  are  so  kind. 

SHAVER.     You  would  be  my  angel  wife. 

GERTIE.     Would  you  build  the  fires? 

SHAVER.     Figuratively  speaking,  yes! 

GERTIE.  No,  I  won't  be  so  mean — I'll  help.  I'll 
pour  on  the  kerosene. 

SHAVER.     Then  you  would  be  my  angel  wife ! 

GERTIE.  Now,  remember,  you're  mine.  I'll  go 
and  tell  Auntie,  and  make  her  jealous. 

(Exit  R.  2  humming  wedding  march.  Bus.  of  TILLY. 
Stands  up  stage  on  one  foot.  When  SHAVER 
hears  ERASTUS  he  assumes  bird  attitude  on  one 
foot,  also  down  L.) 

(ERASTUS  enters  R.  c.  with  TILLY,  sees  SHAVER.) 

ERASTUS.  At  it  again !  I  knew  it.  Will  you  come 
out  of  there?  (walks  him  to  c.)  Haven't  I  got 
trouble  enough  now?  Stop  it,  I  tell  you.  My  chef 
chasing  me  out  of  my  own  kitchen.  But  here,  you're 
a  wizard — what  with  you  and  this — (taking  up  seltzer 
bottle  and  leading  SHAVER  by  arm)  I  think  I  can 
drown  that  French  prize-fighter  out.  I  will  try  any- 
way. Do  you  know  he  is  going  to  sue  me  ?  But  he 
will  lose  his  suit. 

SHAVER.     If  he  loses  it  here,  he'll  never  find  it. 

(Exit  both  R.  c.) 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  83 

TILLY.  I  wonder  where  is  my  affinity?  (stands 
on  one  foot,  burlesque  imitation  of  previous  scene 
between  SHAVER  and  GEETIE.  Enter  JENNINGS  L.  c. 
Looks  at  her  in  amazement) 

JENNINGS.  What's  the  matter?  Is  one  broke? 
(TILLY  leading  him  c.) 

TILLY.  (E.  o.  in  mysterious  manner)  Two  thou- 
sand years  ago,  I  am  a  geese. 

JENNINGS.  (L.  c.)  Well,  you're  not  far  from  one 
now. 

TILLY.    Who,  you? 

JENNINGS.    Yes — no !    I'm  no  goose ! 

TILLY.  And  all  day  long  I  stand  in  de  water  on 
one  foot — (stands  on  one  foot.  JENNINGS  imitates) 

JENNINGS.    That's  easy. 

TILLY.  Und  blink  at  de  sun,  like  dot — (blinks) 
and  finity  got  my  soul. 

JENNINGS.  Finnerty,  is  it?  I  knew  that  Irish 
Policeman  would  get  ahead  of  me.  (goes  up  c.) 
I'll  lay  for  him  when  he  comes  on  the  beat,  and  he'll 
answer  the  roll-call  in  the  morning  with  only  one  eye. 

(Exit  G.  to  L.) 
TILLY.     It  don't  work. 

(ERASTUS  Enters  c.) 

ERASTUS.  I've  lost  him  again.  He's  escaped  me. 
(seeing  TILLY,  who  has  made  a  dash  for  c.)  Here, 
you.  (takes  her  by  the  arm)  For  the  first  time 
since  I've  owned  you,  I  want  you.  Now,  here,  you're 
German.  We're  going  to  dance  it  to-night,  and  I 
want  you  to  teach  it  to  me. 

TILLY,  (grinning)  Dance,  why  dot's  easy.  I'd  do 
anything  for  you! 

ERASTUS.  Well,  how  does  it  go?  (TILLY  hums 
German  dance  and  dances.  ERASTUS  imifates  her) 


84  MY     FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

(Enter  BERNICE  R.  3  E.) 

BERNICE.     Why,  papa! 

ERASTUS.  (c.)     Don't  bother  me;  I'm  learning  the 
German,     (continues  dancing) 
BERNICE.  (K.  c.)     And  with  the  servant,  too! 

(Enter  MRS.  B.  S.  R.  1  E.  with  two  photographs.) 

MRS.  B.  S.     Why,  Erastus ! 

ERASTUS.     Don't  bother  me,  I'm  happy. 

MRS.  B.  S.  (crosses  R.  c.  coming  down  c.  alongside 
of  ERASTUS)  Happy?  So  am  I — I  fetched  him! 

ERASTUS.     Fetched  who  ? 

MRS.  B.  S.  Why,  James.  He  was  game,  though ; 
I  had  to  let  him  out,  and  wind  him  in,  but  I  landed 
him,  and  he's  waiting  for  me  now.  I  just  went  to 
my  room  to  get  the  pictures  of  No.  1  and  No.  2. 
(with  affected  feeling)  Poor,  dear  men !  How  glad 
they  will  be  when  they  know  I'm  happy.  Here, 
Erastus — (handing  photographs)  You  take  them — 
take  care  of  them. 

ERASTUS.  Take  care  of  them!  I  always  had  to, 
when  they  were  alive. 

MRS.  B.  S.  Well,  it's  all  for  the  best,  Erastus. 
And  now,  I'll  go  and  join  No.  3. 

(Exit  R.  c.) 

ERASTUS.  (remains  L.)  Eun  along,  Tilly.  From 
this  on,  your  wages  are  raised  five  per. 

BERNICE.  (coming  down  R.  of  TILLY)  Go  to  my 
room  and  fetch  the  list  of  guests.  I  wish  to  become 
familiar  with  their  names. 

TILLY.  I  fetch  them  right  away,  mum.  (to 
ERASTUS)  Don't  you  forget  dot  turn,  (she  dances. 
ERASTUS  imitates  her) 

ERASTUS.    I've  got  that  down  fine.     (  TILLY  exits. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  85 

ERASTUS  comes  down  stage)  Well,  dear,  to-night 
makes  or  breaks  us — and  all  for  my  dear  little  girls. 

BEBNICE.  (E.  c.  aside)  I  must  tell  him.  (aloud) 
Papa — darling  papa. 

EEASTUS.  (c.)  Oh,  this  is  a  touch.  How  much? 
(putting  hand  in  pocket) 

BEENICE.  No,  not  this  time.  Now,  papa,  you 
have  no  personal  interest  in  society,  have  you? 

EKASTUS.  (E.  c.)    Not  the  slightest. 

BEENICE.     You  have  done  it  all  for  us  ? 

EEASTUS.    Yes,  and  I'll  do  more. 

BEENICE.  And  as  the  guests  that  are  coming  to- 
night will  only  care  to  talk  of  Theosophy,  and  as  you 
know  nothing  ahout  it 

EEASTUS.  Want  to  cut  me  out,  eh — is  that  it? 
Just  as  I  learned  to  dance  the  German,  too.  (crosses 

L.) 

BEENICE.  (E.  c.)  Wouldn't  you  like  it?  I  think 
I  can  make  all  necessary  excuses. 

EEASTUS.  (L.  c.)  Afraid  I'll  get  mixed  up  in  the 
conversation — is  that  it? 

BEENICE.  I  think  I  can  arrange  all  that  for  you 
— and  you  can  sit  in  the  library  all  by  yourself  with 
no  one  to  disturb  you.  And  in  the  morning —  (crosses 
to  E.)  I'll  tell  you  all  about  it. 

(Exit  E.  u.) 

EEASTUS.  That'll  be  nice,  (strikes  attitude  at 
end  of  sofa  L.)  Ashamed  of  me!  That's  about  the 
size  of  it !  Ashamed  of  her  own  father !  I'm  darned 
if  I  can  see  what  for — (crossing  to  table  and  striking 
bell)  This  society  racket  ain't  what  it's  cracked  up 
to  be,  at  all,  at  all.  Come,  Underholt,  it's  your  own 
fault;  you  brought  the  horse  to  the  water  and  now 
you're  mad  because  it  wants  to  drink.  Talking  about 
drinks,  I  think  I'll  have  one.  (enter  JENNINGS) 
Jennings,  bring  me  a  high  ball  of  whiskey.  (JEN- 
NINGS turns  to  exit.  EEASTUS  stops  him)  And — 


86  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

Jennings,  this  time  you  put  it  right  in  my  hand.  I'm 
not  going  to  take  chances,  (exit  JENNINGS.  ERASTUS 
crosses  to  end  of  sofa)  After  all  I've  done  for  them 
too.  Brought  them  here  to  New  York,  put  them  in 
this  fine  house,  got  up  this  reception,  discovered 
Sweedles ;  for  two  pins,  I'd  sell  out  the  whole  business 
and  go  back  to  Kansas  City,  (enter  JENNINGS  with 
whiskey)  Thank  you,  Jennings.  You  may  go. 
(JENNINGS  exits.  ERASTUS  bus.  with  glass)  Well, 
Tweedles  got  me  into  this,  and  he's  got  to  get  me 
out.  (SHAVER  enters  noiselessly.  ERASTUS  starts  on 
seeing  him)  See  here,  wizard  or  no  wizard,  you've 
got  to  wear  creaky  boots,  or  something.  You  come 
in  and  go  out  like  a  shadow. 

SHAVER,  (c.)     I  have  been  with  the  spirits. 

ERASTUS.  (R.  suddenly  grasping  glass  from  table, 
where  he  has  left  it)  Well,  you'll  not  be  with  these 
spirits,  I  can  tell  you  that,  (gulps  down  drink) 
Sweedles,  what  do  you  think?  My  daughter — my 
own  daughter  is  ashamed  of  me. 

SHAVER.     Well,  I  don't  blame  her. 

ERASTUS.    What? 

SHAVER.  That  is,  if  you  are  going  to  keep  up 
drinking  all  the  time. 

ERASTUS.     I  never  drink,    (drinks) 

SHAVER.    Why  don't  you? 

ERASTUS.  See  here,  Sweedles,  I'm  in  this  business 
with  both  feet.  I  want  to  pull  out  of  it.  I'm  sick 
of  it.  Now,  you're  a  wizard— you  can  help  me.  You 
fix  it,  and  I'll  give  you  a  check  for  a  thousand 
dollars. 

SHAVER.     On  the  dead? 

ERASTUS.    No,  on  my  bank. 

SHAVER.    I'll  go  you.     (crosses  L.) 

ERASTUS.  You  keep  your  word  now,  and  you'll 
never  regret  it.  It  will  be  good  business. 

(Exit  c.  with  glass  in  hand.) 


MY    FRIEND     FROM    INDIA.  87 

SHAVER.  Now,  to  gain  my  liberty  and  get  even 
with  the  inebriate  son. 

(Enter  TOM  c.  from  L.) 

TOM.     Mr.  Tweedle,  can  I  see  you  for  a  moment? 

SHAVER.  (R.  c.)  Yes,  and  you'll  have  to  do  it 
quickly;  I  don't  expect  to  last  much  longer. 

TOM.  (c.)  I  wish  to  marry  in  the  TJnderholt 
family.  I  tried  to  antagonize  you  and  failed;  and 
now  I  want  to  ask  your  assistance.  But  not  for 
nothing.  I  love  Miss  Bernice,  and  if  you  can  con- 
vince her  that  I  am  the  only  affinity  her  soul  can 
ever  find,  I'll  give  you  a  check  for  a  thousand  dollars. 

SHAVER.  It's  a  bargain — shake!  (they  shake 
hands.  TOM  goes  R.) 

TOM.  Is  it  possible  that  Charlie's  been  stringing 
me,  and  this  is  the  real  thing  after  all  ?  I  can  depend 
on  you?  ' 

SHAVER.  A  thousand  dollars'  worth — no  more. 
(exit  TOM  R.  u.  E.)  If  this  keeps  up,  I'll  have  a 
mortgage  on  Underholt's  life,  (enter  BERNICE  R.  u. 
E.)  Miss  Underholt,  I  was  just  thinking  of  you. 

BERNICE.     Of  me  ? 

SHAVER.  (L.  c.)  Yes.  The  spirits  have  told  me 
that  you  desired  your  father  to  be  absent  from  the 
reception  to-night,  and  the  guests  will  think  that  he 
has  purposely  avoided  them.  It's  too  bad. 

BERNICE.  (c.  surprised)  Well,  I  never  thought  of 
that.  I  will  have  papa  here — never  fear. 

SHAVER.  And  another  thing — I  was  just  speaking 
to  Mr.  Valentine,  your  affinity — and  he  told  me  he 
loved  another. 

BERNICE.    Loved  another?    Why,  who? 

SHAVER.  I  don't  know.  Some  society  belle,  I 
presume. 

BERNICE.  (aside)  Oh,  well,  I'll  spoil  her  little 
game  at  the  first  opportunity?  (to  SHAVER)  I'll 
remember  all  you  have  said,  Mr.  Tweedle. 


88  MY    FRIEND     FROM    INDIA. 

SHAVER.  It's  never  too  late  to  mend.  (Enter 
MBS.  B.  S.  B.  c.  To  MES.  B.  S.)  Where  is  he? 

MBS.  B.  S.  (c.)     He,  who? 

SHAVEE.  My  uncle — you  are  drifting  apart.  Your 
souls  have  been  one  since  the  beginning.  Find  him 
quick  and  clasp  him  fast.  Don't  delay,  but  do  it! 
(business.  Exit  L.  c.) 

MES.  B.  S.  Bernice,  that  man  comes  straight  from 
Heaven.  I  have  but  to  obey. 

(Exit  B.  c.) 

BEENICE.  Tom  Valentine  in  love  with  another! 
Well,  he'll  marry  me,  I'll  wager.  Now,  let  me  see — 
first  to  have  papa  here  at  the  reception  and  then  to 
put  that  society  lady's  nose  out  of  joint ! 

(Exit  c.  to  B.) 
(Enter  SHAVEE  L.  c.) 

SHAVEE.  Well,  if  the  recording  angel  was  ever 
busy  before,  my  account  will  give  him  writer's  cramp. 

(Enter  MAEIAN  c.    Sees  SHAVEE.) 

MABIAN.     Ah,  Mr.  Tweedle,  have  you  ever  loved? 

SHAVEE.  Many  times — that  is,  on  different  planes, 
but  always  with  the  same  soul. 

MAEIAN.  (c.)  Then  you  can  help  me.  I  love — I 
love  deeply. 

SHAVEE.  (L.  c.)     Who  is  the  object  of  this  love? 

MAEIAN.     Charlie  Underholt. 

SHAVEE.     That  drunkard! 

MAEIAN.  Don't  say  that,  Mr.  Tweedle.  Do  you 
know  he  is  in  great  trouble?  He's  going  to  kill  a 
man  by  the  name  of  Shaver,  (crosses  E.) 

SHAVES,  (very  much  surprised)    Is  he? 

MAEIAN.     Promise  me  you  won't  let  him. 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  89 

SHAVEB.    I'll  do  all  I  can  to  prevent  it. 

MARIAN.  I  don't  know  what  it  is  all  about,  but  I 
know  it  stands  between  us  and  if  I  could  only  remove 
this  obstacle. 

SHAVER.  I've  been  trying  to  remove  this  obstacle 
for  several  days. 

MARIAN.  (R.)  Well,  try  harder,  and  I'll  give  you 
a  check  for  a  thousand  dollars. 

SHAVER.  (R.  c.  Aside)  I  wish  somebody'd  give 
me  twenty-five  cents  in  cash!  This  thousand  dollar 
business  is  getting  monotonous. 

MARIAN.     Then  there'll  be  no  murder? 

SHAVER.     Not  as  long  as  I  live. 

(Enter  CHARLIE  c.  from  R.) 

MARIAN.     There  he  is — tell  him  now. 

SHAVER,  (runs  around  table)  Excuse  me — I'm 
Shaver. 

MARIAN.  (R.  c.)    You,  Shaver! 

SHAVER.  (R.  of  table  R.)     Yes,  me. 

CHARLIE.  (L.  c.)  Yes,  Marian,  the  jig's  up. 
Can't  you  see  what  a  horrible  muddle  I've  made  of 
everything  ?  Can  you  ever  forgive  me,  dear  ? 

MARIAN,  (a  little  surprised)  Yes,  and  perhaps 
help  you  out,  too. 

SHAVER,  (sitting  on  edge  of  table)  Don't  waste 
all  your  sympathy  on  him.  I'm  sitting  at  the  point 
of  death  myself. 

MARIAN.  I  gave  your  father  the  list  of  guests, 
consequently  I  know  them  all.  We'll  send  word  to 
them  that  the  reception  is  off. 

SHAVER.  (R.  of  table  R.)  I  have  it — I  will  write 
them — (starts  to  write  on  table)  that  everyone  is 
sick,  reception  postponed  until  after  the  inquest. 

CHARLIE.  Oh,  that'll  never  do.  Half  of  them 
are  on  their  way  here  now.  I'll  tell  you — you  sit  on 
the  front  door  step  and  head  them  off. 


90  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

SHAVER.  What?  In  my  pajamas?  You  want  to 
see  me  down  with  pneumonia. 

CHARLIE.  (L.)     Now,  don't  argue  with  me. 

MARIAN,  (c.)  There,  there!  Stop  that  wrangling. 
The  time  is  here  for  action. 

SHAVER.  (R.)    And  I'll  get  the  action. 

CHARLIE.    It's  all  hopeless,     (goes  L.) 

MARIAN.  Never  mind,  Charlie — sink  or  swim,  I'll 
be  with  you. 

(Enter  TILLY,  R.  c.  with  apron  full  of  envelopes.) 

MARIAN.     Tilly,  wait  a  minute. 
TILLY.     I  can't  do  it — I'm  two  days  late  now. 
MARIAN.     With  what? 

TILLY.  The  invitations  for  the  reception.  I  for- 
got to  mail  them.  I'll  do  it  now. 

(CHARLIE,  MARIAN  and  SHAVER,  with  exclamations, 
rush  for  TILLY.  In  the  struggle,  she  drops  in- 
vitations on  floor.  They  gather  them  up  and 
hide  them  under  pillows  of  sofa,  in  vases  and 
various  parts  of  the  room.) 

TILLY,  (c.)     I'll  bet  I'll  lose  my  place. 

SHAVER.  You  can  have  mine.  (TILLY  exits  c. 
to  R.) 

TILLY,  (as  she  exits)    I  don't  want  it. 

CHARLIE.  How  are  we  going  to  square  this  with 
the  Governor? 

MARIAN,  (coming  c.)  Mr.  Tweedle,  tell  him  he's 
in  a  trance. 

SHAVER.  I've  been  trying  to  tell  him  that  ever 
since  I've  been  here.  (MARIAN  goes  up  c.,  calls  off 
to  TILLY) 

MARIAN.  Tilly,  tell  Mr.  Underholt  that  Mr. 
Shaver — I  mean  Mr.  Tweedle — wants  to  see  him  here 
at  once. 


MY    FRIEND     FROM    INDIA.  91 

CHARLIE.  (L.  to  SHAVER)  Now,  here's  a  chance  to 
distinguish  yourself. 

SHAVER.  Extinguish  is  more  like  it.  He  may 
stand  for  a  jag,  but  I'm  afraid  of  the  trance. 

MARIAN,  (coming  c.)  Jag — that's  it.  You  make 
him  believe  that  he's  intoxicated. 

(Enter  TOM  and  BERNICE  R.  3  E.) 

TOM.  (to  SHAVER  who  is  R.  of  table)  You  get 
the  thousand,  (bus.  of  SHAVER  handing  TOM  pen 
and  TOM  writing  check,  sitting  L.  of  table  R.) 

MARIAN.  (L.  c.)    What? 

BERNICE.  (R.  c.)  Yes,  we  agreed  to  be  the  best 
of  friends.  Didn't  we,  Tom? 

TOM.     Always! 

BERNICE.  But  what's  the  use?  I'm  afraid  papa 
won't  give  his  consent. 

MARIAN.     Why? 

BERNICE.  Because  I  asked  papa  not  to  be  present 
at  our  reception,  to-night.  This  reception — Oh!  I 
wish  it  wasn't  going  to  take  place. 

(Enter  GERTIE  c.  door.) 

GERTIE.     What's  the  matter  ? 

MARIAN.  We  may  as  well  be  frank;  we're  all  in 
it  together.  The  reception  is  off.  (GERTIE  and 
BERNICE  very  much  surprised  and  say  "What!"  TOM 
and  SHAVER  rise)  Yes,  Tilly  forgot  to  mail  the 
invitations,  and  Mr.  Tweedle  is  going  to  pretend  to 
put  your  father  in  a  trance  and  make  him  believe 
he  countermanded  the  invitations  himself. 

TOM.  (walks  to  BERNICE)  If  it  works,  I'll  make 
him  believe  he  gave  us  his  consent  before  he  sobered 
up. 

GERTIE.     How  are  you  going  to  do  it? 

CHARLIE.    All  hide,  and  when  we  see  him  come 


92  MY     FRIEND     FROM    INDIA. 

in,  we'll  all  come  out  one  by  one  and  make  him  be- 
lieve he's  intoxicated  beyond  redemption. 

SHAVER.  That's  right,  (as  they  all  start  to  exit, 
SHAVER  gets  frightened)  Don't  leave  me  alone  with 
him.  You'll  all  help  ? 

ALL.    Yes. 

GERTIE.  I'm  glad  of  the  chance.  I'd  rather  play 
with  Pop  than  anybody  I  know.  Besides  he  doesn't 
have  much  fun. 

SHAVER.     Well,  he  will  in  a  minute. 

ERASTUS.  (outside)  Very  well,  Tilly,  I'll  go  up 
to  him.  (entering)  Oh,  there  you  are  Tweedles. 
Do  you  think  you  can  fix  it?  (noticing  SHAVER'S 
assumed  trance)  Oh,  don't  do  that — please  don't  do 
it  again. 

SHAVER.  Just  a  short  one.  (SHAVER  pretends  tu 
put  ERASTUS  in  a  trance,  otherwise  hypnotize  him. 
Burlesque.  ERASTUS  resents  this)  You've  been 
drinking  again — you  have  been  drinking  again.  You 
are  in  a  horrible  state  of  intoxication,  (gliding  back- 
wards to  door)  And  so  you'll  remain  until  I  remove 
this  spell. 

(Exit  c.  to  R.) 

ERASTUS.  Ha !  (half  amused  and  somewhat 
annoyed)  What  silly  nonsense. 

(Enter  CHARLIE  L.  2.) 

CHARLIE.  Well,  father,  we're  all  ready  for  the 
reception,  (assumes  a  start,  looks  reproachfully  at 
his  father)  Oh,  father! 

ERASTUS.  (looking  at  him  in  astonishment)  Well, 
what's  the  matter  with  you? 

CHARLIE.  (L.  c.)  After  all  the  lectures  you've 
given  me — it  isn't  the  duty  of  a  son  to  upbraid  his 
own  father,  but  stop  it — stop  it,  before  it  is  too  late. 

(Exits  L.  2.) 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  93 

ERASTUS.  (with  suppressed  anger)    Well,  I'll  be— 
(Enter  BERNICE  R.  3.) 

BERNICE.  (coming  dose  to  ERASTUS)  Oh,  papa, 
now  about  the —  (stops  with  her  arms  about  ERASTUS' 
neck,  sniffs  as  if  smelling  his  breath,  bursts  into 
tears)  Oh,  papa,  you've  been  drinking  again — and 
my  own  father,  too! 

(Exits  crying  R.  2  E.   ERASTUS  looks  after  her  with 
a  half  frightened  expression.) 

(Enter  MARIAN  L.  2.    Goes  to  ERASTUS.) 

MARIAN.  Mr.  Underholt,  may  I  see  you?  (sud- 
denly looks  horrified) 

ERASTUS.  (answering  the  look  expressively)  Well, 
what's  the  matter  with  you? 

MARIAN,  (bursting  into  tears — between  her  sobs) 
I  feel  so  sorry  for  those  poor  girls. 

(Exits  L.  2  E.) 

(ERASTUS  turns,  thoroughly  frightened  and  dis- 
mayed. Puts  hand  on  head,  studies  for  a  mo- 
ment and  then  walks  chalk  line  down  stage  to 
chair  as  GERTIE  enters  R.  3  E.) 

GERTIE.     Say,  Pop — (stops) 
ERASTUS.     Now,  Gert,  don't  say  it. 
GERTIE,     (crying)     Oh,  Pop — never  mind,  though 
— I  love  you,  if  you  are  full. 

(Exits  R.  1.  ERASTUS  is  thoroughly  convinced  that 
he  is  intoxicated.  Assumes,  gradually,  a  tipsy 
air.) 


94  MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA. 

ERASTUS.  I  can  feel  it  now.  I  was  loaded  and  I 
didn't  know  it.  (gets  drunker  with  each  sentence) 
I'm  loaded  to  the  guards,  (business)  Well,  Sweedles 
loaded  me  up — he'll  have  to  unload  me.  (turns  c., 
back  to  audience  and  has  very  drunken  exit  c.  to  L.) 

(ALL  characters  enter  and  laugh  at  success  of  the 
plot.) 

BERNICE.     It  worked  beautifully. 

CHARLIE,  (suddenly  stops  laughing)  Now,  listen, 
when  he  comes  in  again,  make  him  think  he  gave  his 
consent  to  all  our  marriages,  and  that  he  counter- 
manded the  invitations  to  the  reception  himself. 

ERASTUS.  (outside)  Sweedles,  you  made  me 
loaded — unload  me — sober  me  up. 

SHAVER,  (entering)  I  pronounce  you  sober  as  a 
judge. 

ERASTUS.  (enters  following  SHAVER  in  a  thorough- 
ly frightened  manner)  Is  that  right? 

CHARLIE.  Father,  you're  going  to  be  awful  proud 
of  us? 

MARIAN.     And  never  regret  giving  your  consent. 

ERASTUS.     Consent!     (looks  at  SHAVER)     Did  I? 

SHAVER,  (nods)    Yes. 

TOM.  I  thank  you,  too,  Pop.  I  will  cherish  her 
all  my  life. 

ERASTUS.  Pop!  What?  (pantomime  business 
with  SHAVER.  Enter  at  back  MRS.  B.  S.  on  the  arm 
of  JAMES  TWEEDLE)  Don't  say  it — don't  say  it. 
Bless  you,  my  children,  (turn  to  SHAVER)  But  not 
Gert? 

GERTIE,     (coming  to  him)     No,  Pop.    I'm  yours 

yet. 

ERASTUS.  Why  didn't  yon  wait  till  the  reception 
was  over  ? 

ALL.     Reception  ? 


MY    FRIEND    FROM    INDIA.  95 

BERNTCE.    There's  to  be  no  reception. 

EKASTUS.  What,  no  reception?  (to  SHAVER) 
You  did  that! 

SHAVER.  No,  you  did  it  yourself.  You  counter- 
manded the  invitations. 

ERASTUS.  When  I  was  loaded?  And  you  loaded 
me!  Thank  you,  thank  you.  All  right,  Bernice, 
you  can  have  the  house.  Charlie,  draw  on  me  for 
your  living  expenses,  (looking  over  to  MRS.  B.  S.) 
Yes,  Fll  take  care  of  No.  3.  (to  SHAVER)  I 
wouldn't  lose  you;  you're  a  good  thing.  And 
Gert — you  and  me — we'll  go  back  home.  Home,  to 
Kansas  City. 

(Enter  TILLY  R.  1.) 

TILLY.     Who  said  Kansas  City?    (music.    Crosses 
center  in  front  and  goes  up,  followed  by  ERASTUS) 
ERASTUS.     Will  you  get  out? 

CURTAIN 


YB  74627 


M16S021 


^Trv-t^ 

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